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What are some healthy expectations for pastors, and who decides this? We’re going to be looking at power struggles, job descriptions, and why a calling shouldn’t resemble indentured servitude. Keep reading to find out:
- How to solve personal issues before they erupt like a volcano spewing deadly lava
- Why labeling personal conflict as a spiritual attack might be holding back growth on all sides
- For pastors on the brink, you might get a little clarity on whether to stay or go
Expectations For Pastors
I’ve been having conversations with local pastors and their spouses in small churches more frequently, and it’s been about some sad and tough stuff. It has to do with leadership, expectations, and pastors doing their jobs. I often hear phrases come up like, “micro-managed”, “no boundaries”, or “controlled”. Recently, a pastor’s wife used the phrase “the congregation owns us” to describe the relationship she’s experiencing between the church and her husband, herself, and even her children. That phrase wasn’t meant as an exaggeration. That is truly how she’s experiencing their local church.
This isn’t how God designed His church to function. No one should feel controlled or used. I believe God designed His church to be a place not just to know God, but to experience Him, to enjoy God and His community. I believe that our service comes out of this love for Him and others, not a compulsion to earn approval or to serve because we feel indebted. If we’re serving out of force or compulsion, feeling controlled or manipulated, this isn’t okay. Many of us have felt this imposed upon us, and I also want you to be aware that many of us have imposed this upon others.
Feeling controlled or micromanaged hasn’t been my experience in small churches. I’ve felt quite loved and supported in the churches that we’ve served in, and most pastors in my friendship web have also been well-loved. Although never perfect or conflict-free, none of the phrases I mentioned at the start would come close to describing the places we’ve served. However, I’m shocked at how common it is that pastors and their families in small churches feel controlled, and I think we all can learn quite a bit from the conversations here.
Your Influence
You have incredible influence, whether you’re a pastor, landscaper, teacher, game leader, or even cookie maker. We get really messed up when we think that the pastor is the minister and the congregation is who the pastor ministers to. This is incorrect. Every Jesus follower is called to influence. The way we see importance or priority isn’t always very Biblical. God’s already given all of us the titles of saint, servant, and influence. That is who we are.
Whether you’re a volunteer, one of the church members, or a pastor, this post is for you. If you’re like me and you’re a little surprised that pastors in small churches could be experiencing their churches in such a negative way, I think it’s good to grow in awareness. No matter what your role is, I think there is value for all of us as we walk together today.
I’m praying that you’ll leave this time with a little more empathy or understanding of what some pastors’ families are facing in some small churches. Maybe you’ll grow aware of how clear expectations, or the lack thereof, can leave a big mark on your ministry area or team. Maybe you’ll feel a little convicted that, even in a small way, you might be contributing to someone feeling a bit controlled or resentful of your role in their life.
Whatever it ends up being for you, let’s just commit to doing better, to being more aware, helpful, and supportive! Let’s commit to each other, our pastoral ministry, our church leaders, and anyone who walks into your church.
The Root Of These Issues
A lot of the issues of feeling controlled or not meeting expectations are rooted in not having clear expectations, not sharing what your expectations are, and not agreeing to them. As we talk about clear expectations and agreed-upon expectations throughout this post, I want to explain why. Most of us have expectations about what your pastor should be doing. In fact, most of us have very clear expectations for ourselves, our friends, family members, volunteers, and even fellow pastors.
The issues start arising when we assume that others have the same expectations, judge people on expectations, or think it’s our job to hold people to meeting our expectations that they never agreed to. We don’t get to control people. We don’t get to manipulate people to do what we think they should do. Every human has a choice. When it comes to jobs, paid or unpaid, it’s important to be on the same page.
Things like structure and clear, agreed-upon expectations come way before accountability. Let’s get to the real root of what’s happening and how you can break free from this caged place, and refrain from putting others in it. Let’s make some choices to experience the freedom that I think God wants for each of us, to experience Him and enjoy Him.
How Do We Know We’re Not On The Same Page?
You’re not on the same page when you start hearing things like “The pastors are not doing their job”, “We need to evaluate the pastor”, or “This isn’t working”. If the pastor says, “I can’t keep everyone happy” or “I’m not sure how long I can do this” you are definitely not on the same page. Other indications that you’re not on the same page are if you are feeling controlled, disappointed, angry, or judgemental.
So, what’s the problem? When we make the problem the person instead of the process, that’s where we can become controlling. It’s not biblical at all for us to be controlled, to feel controlled, or to attempt to control other people. Jesus Himself, the God of the Universe, never tried to control anyone. He invited. He utilized. He partnered with them, but He didn’t control them. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have job descriptions, make commitments to one another, or hold certain standards, but I do believe that we always have a choice.
This is the main problem. We’re not on the same page. The problem isn’t that this person is inherently evil or trying to control people, or that the pastor is inherently lazy, or that we don’t all want the same things. The issue arises when we make the problem the person instead of the process. The process to remember is to have realistic expectations, clear expectations, and shared, agreed-upon expectations.
Who’s At Fault And Who’s Responsible For Fixing It?
Everyone’s responsible. If you’re the pastor and you’re in this spot of feeling controlled, please take some responsibility for being there and for your complete God-given freedom to leave. If you’re a pastor and you feel called, I want to encourage you to do your due diligence before you accept a position from a well-meaning group of people who want to hire you. Don’t move your family across the country on a promise of a parsonage and a group of people who love Jesus until you’ve seen and wholeheartedly agree with the organizational structure and the job description.
I’m seeing this a lot in non-denominational, well-meaning home churches. They often want to hire a pastor to lead. However, there’s no clear structure and no clear expectations. If you’re the church leadership and you’re looking to hire someone, please get your structure set before you bring people in. Be clear about how many hours you expect them to work. Be clear about boundaries. Be clear about who’s the boss and what the structure is.
Leadership team, please stop firing pastors with no severance, no notice, and no support. I want to believe that these churches mean well, that the leadership has hearts bent toward Jesus, and that you have no idea the distress you’re causing your pastors’ families. If you want to keep a pastor, you also need to care for the pastor and their family.
If you’re the pastor, you need to take responsibility for accepting this job. If you’re in a position of unrealistic expectations and you’re on the edge of a breakdown, how about a conversation like this, “I’m so sorry I didn’t clarify all of this before I came, I should’ve. This is my responsibility for accepting this. Is this something we can work out?”
5 Tips To Help Everyone Get On The Same Page
1. Don’t Over-Spiritualize This
Firstly, I’d like to encourage everyone not to over-spiritualize this. I hear so many people saying that they are clearly under a spiritual attack and that God’s about to do a great thing. While I absolutely believe in the spirit world, I also think it’s a pretty easy way to get out of our responsibility. Maybe it’s a spiritual attack, or maybe this is happening because there’s no clear structure for accountability or a clear job description, or maybe we need to grow in leadership skills and how to deal with conflict.
We are human beings, not just spirits. We have physical bodies with emotions and brains. We have human limits for health and well-being. Let’s consider our humanity, because God made us human, and use real, proven management tools for success. We need to start here.
2. Have Clear Expectations And Agreements To Those Expectations
Try making a list of what you think the pastor should be doing. Before you try to hold your pastor accountable for all of it, take a step back. List the stuff and list how much time it would take. Ask yourself, is that humanly possible? Could one person do all of that? Usually, the answer is no. The expectations you have, need to be in line with humanity.
Many people think that being called is automatically a call of martyrdom or a life with no boundaries. They assume that if you’re called to be here, then you’re going to do whatever you can.
3. Revisit The Priesthood Of All Believers
Develop a better understanding of biblical leadership and service. The Bible talks about the priesthood of all believers sharing the load. If your pastor is called to preach and lead, that defines different responsibilities and accountabilities. However, this weight isn’t added to all the other responsibilities in the church. Your pastor isn’t called to teach, lead, or do all the visitations, facility management, counseling, and finance. Please, don’t forget that your pastor is human, and don’t forget that you’re called too.
It’s possible that your pastor is lazy and not doing what they are called to do. It’s also very possible that you have a messed up view of what you think your pastor should or shouldn’t be doing. In The Priesthood of All Believers, it says,
As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God, chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 2:4-5
4. Set Up A Clear Structure Of Accountability
First, there should be a clear organizational structure in our church. Find out who’s in charge and who’s responsible for making the final decisions. Second, there should be a clear job description. You should have one for your pastors and leadership team. A job description needs to be agreed upon and should be so clear that your pastor can evaluate themselves.
I want to encourage any new pastor to not take a job without this You’re responsible for your choices and your own family if you have one. If the leadership board is in charge of the pastor, what makes them a good boss? How do they know when they’re doing a good job? Have a job description for the leadership board. Set clear expectations and open channels of communication for the church to care for the pastor and their family.
If you want a great study to go through as a leadership team or as a pastor with your leadership team, grab Serve Well. This study goes over the traits of biblical service, not just the tasks, but the character that goes with the task. This is the heart of being a great elder, moderator, servant, or pastor! It’s a place to start.
5. What If We Aren’t Ever Going To Be On The Same Page?
Yes, sometimes it is not a good fit. The capabilities, skills, or even seasons of life don’t fit well together. I want to suggest that you leave peacefully. Congregation, don’t kick the family out of the parsonage. Help each other. Pastors, leave in peace and do your best to reconcile. Care for each other. The Serve Well study has a great section on leaving as well.
Track Down The Miscommunication
If you’re in a tough spot of feeling controlled, micromanaged, or if you’re feeling like you’re losing control or others aren’t meeting your expectations, let’s start by removing the character assassinations and pull back a little, to determine where our expectations might not be clear, reasonable, or agreed upon. Above all, let’s put on peace and love. No matter what the resolution or the results, can you imagine if we all walked in peace and love? If all of us could exude God’s presence a little more?
Yes, hard decisions may be made. Your pastor may need to be fired, or your pastor may need to leave a place to go somewhere healthier for them, but leave in love rather than hate and hurt. I think we can all be a little bit more like Jesus all around.
Read More:
11 Great Ideas For Pastor Appreciation – Small Church Ministry
Help For Pastors’ Wives In Small Churches
Top Ways To Appreciate Your Pastor’s Husband – Small Church Ministry
