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There are a million great things that your small church could be doing. How do you choose? Keep reading as we dive into perspective vs. capacity, as well as:

  • Read the answer as to why we don’t have a Pastors’ Husbands Conference in 2022
  • Learn 5 questions to consider when choosing where to focus your resources
  • Discover some freedom in not doing it all

The Beginning Question

I wanted to address a question I’ve been getting, and the more I think about it, the more I think it’s such a great thing to discuss. It applies to not only small church ministry, but life. Last year, I received a few comments and questions about why we don’t have a conference for pastors’ husbands, which I think is a great question. We serve a completely interdenominational audience. We have Conservative Baptists, Presbyterians, Pentecostals, Brethren, United Methodist, Church of God, Reformed, you name it. If you love Jesus and are growing toward Him, then your denomination or non-denomination is probably represented in the Small Church Ministry communities!

We are aware that there are a lot of women pastors in our audience, and lots of them are married. Thus, there are pastors’ husbands not only in the world, but connected to our audience. So why aren’t we doing a conference for them? The short answer is, that we can’t do it all. However, that’s not a good enough answer, not even for me. The reality is, we all make choices. 

The Process Behind The Answer

This isn’t a question of support, inclusion, or conviction. We just can’t do it all, and we do have to choose. We have limits on our time and capacity. I wonder if Jesus felt like this, or maybe if people ever said to Him, “If you cared, you’d be here. If you wanted to help, you would.” 

Jesus was born into a society with political unrest and corruption, not just in the government, but in the church too. Even the leader of the country basically hired a hit squad to try to take him out. He was walking around the planet where the disabled were left on the street begging, where people were stoned. There was so much to fix. However, He didn’t do it all, and neither should you, your church, or even me. 

There’s More To It Than Just Meeting a Need

Why don’t we have a conference for pastors’ husbands? For one, we haven’t figured it out yet, and for two, we’re not sure if we’re supposed to. Have you ever felt like there is a need, but you don’t know if it’s yours to meet, or if you can even do it? 

A lot of small churches wish they could do more to meet the needs of their community and their church. I got the saddest email yesterday. When people register for a conference, I always ask what their biggest struggle is. One woman responded and said, “My biggest struggle as a pastor’s wife is feeling like a failure. I feel like I’m not meeting the needs of the congregation or community and am a poor support to my husband. We both work full-time outside of ministry, and it is so hard and busy. No matter what I do, I just can’t measure up.”

What is so sad about this is, not that she can’t meet all the needs of the congregation, community, or her husband, but rather, that this woman, whom God loves, who He created and sees, feels like a failure.

Have you ever felt like a failure, or like your church is failing? It’s not a good feeling. Sadly, no one can fix that for you. It can change, of course. You don’t have to stay stuck, feeling like a failure. Others can support you and help you see the truth. However, the feeling of failure is hard to escape from. There are people on the planet who do a million times more than everyone else, and they still feel like a failure. 

What About Jesus?

I don’t believe that Jesus felt like a failure because He didn’t act like it. Feeling like a failure leaves us stuck, immobile, depressed, and unable to influence people. However, look how Jesus lived. He walked past broken people every day. He saw lies, injustice, tragedy, and abuse that He didn’t fix. He didn’t meet all of the needs in His community. Does this make Him a failure? No! Pastor’s wife, you’re like Jesus! He didn’t meet all of the needs in His community, church, or even the needs of those He dearly loves. At the same time, He did what He was supposed to do.

You cannot do it all, but what can you do? How do we choose from all of the needs that we are surrounded with? How do we choose some and not others? How do we know God is with us?

The Process I Start With

I want to share the process I go through with you. I’m not saying it’s complete, but this is where I start.

  1. I look at the needs around me. I ask myself, “Where do I have influence?”, “Who’s in my circle, big or small?”, and “Did God bring them here?”
  2. Do I have the ability to meet these needs I see? I consider my experience, my life, my education, and my talents. I evaluate what I am equipped to do, as well as what I have the capacity to do.
  3. Do I have the influence to meet these needs? I consider whether or not they would be able to receive it from me. 
  4. Next, I dip my toe in the water and see where it goes. This is a baby step. I do something and watch.
  5. Then, I just pick. I don’t always know, but I step out or into it, and I watch and see. 

Again, this is just where I start. I absolutely believe that God can call us out of our comfortable circle, and He could put it on your heart to meet needs across an ocean. I also believe that He can call us to do things that are beyond our ability, and increase our capacity. We can grow and learn new things. I believe He grows us in influence and sometimes calls us to do things that seem beyond our experience. This is just where I begin, and I think it’s a good place to start.

Back To Our Conferences

So, why don’t we have a conference for pastors’ husbands yet? I want to walk through the steps I used when thinking about this. Firstly, they aren’t in our sphere. I know that they are out there, but they aren’t coming to me. We’ve done a lot to invite and reach out to men in general. We’re dipping our toe in.

Secondly, their needs are not the same as pastors’ wives’ needs. I then thought about what needs I could meet. I don’t have the life experience needed to speak into their lives. I also considered if they would receive it from me. I don’t think they would until we have other pastors’ husbands come and speak. Lastly, I have dipped my toe in. I’ve reached out to try and get pastors’ husbands to speak and to learn from them. 

Now, the easiest thing to do would be to turn our pastors’ wives conference into a pastors’ husbands conference as well. However, this wouldn’t be great for anyone. So, until we have pastor’s husbands to speak to other pastors’ husbands, this is just where we’ve landed. For this year, this is what I’ve got: we don’t have it figured out yet, and we’re not sure if we’re supposed to. I also fully realize that I could be wrong, and I’m open to changing it, trying it, or doing something different next year.

Perspective Vs. Capacity

I got an email when I announced that registration was open for the Pastors’ Wives Conference. It simply said, “I know many pastor’s spouses… and many of them are male. I’m out of all your emails. Please widen your perspective.” Here’s the thing. My perspective isn’t the thing that needs to be widened, it’s my staff and my capacity! I see the need for support for pastors’ husbands, pastors’ kids, and the spouses of the volunteers. However, I’m not sure if the Small Church Ministry is the one to meet it. 

Now, I don’t share that email to put any shame on the writer, or to receive your support, but to broaden all of our perspectives because we all do this. How much do we judge the motives of others by their actions or their inaction? Have you ever considered that inaction might be limited to capacity or inability rather than lack of care? 

Bringing It Back To Truth

As you consider ministry moves for you and your church, use these questions to move forward:

  1. Who’s in your sphere? Who’s God bringing to you?
  2. What are the needs? This isn’t obvious, it’s a discussion.
  3. What needs can I meet? Do I have what they need?
  4. Will they receive it from me? 
  5. Dip your toe in the water

Keep in mind, that if you let yourself get wound up in the things that you’re not doing, you fall into a mental spiral that needs to be broken up and tossed into pieces. We can’t do it all. Jesus didn’t do it all. My worth isn’t in what I do. Jesus didn’t call me to make everyone happy. My capacity is limited on purpose! 

If you’re stuck or feeling immovable, not knowing where to start, or feeling like you can’t make a difference, blast up the big block of spiraling thoughts. Come back to the truth. You are loved. You are significant. Your small church is significant. You were called to be a light. Your church is a part of the bigger, amazing body of Christ. Start with one thing. We literally have 1,000 things we want to do, and maybe next season we’ll have a way to include pastors’ husbands. Maybe something will shift, who knows! 

Read More:

Small Church Committees Can Make An Impact 

Ministry Planning 101: Get Ahead Of The Game For Less Stress & More Impact

Make Your Sabbath Rest A Priority