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When leaders in small churches are frustrated by lack of attendance at events or programs, phrases I hear a lot include: People at my church aren’t committed. They say they want programs and then they don’t show up. They’re too busy. They’re uncommitted. They just don’t care.
When I ask ministry leaders how they know those things, they respond that if people were committed and cared, they would show up.
I’d like to suggest that assumption isn’t always true – in fact, it’s usually wrong.
We need to stop assuming and start asking better questions to get to the root of the issues.
Join me in this episode to talk about …
- The 2 things every human craves & what we all have in common
- The singular best way to find out what’s really going on
- Why people don’t always tell you the truth even if you ask (& how to change that)
- How to prepare your heart for the answers
- What feedback to listen to and how to make changes
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Episode 005: The Best Way to Find Out Why People Aren’t Coming (& Why Your Assumptions are Probably Wrong)
Laurie Acker 0:01
Hey, this is Laurie Graham. Welcome to The Small Church Ministry Podcast.
Laurie Graham 0:14
Hey, thanks for joining me for another dive into small church ministry and how to do it better. Today we’re talking about a topic that crosses all ministry areas and can lead to a lot of frustration for committed volunteers and also for leaders everywhere. We’re going to talk about why people don’t come. So maybe you pour time into making an event that’s totally fabulous, and only a few people show up. Or you wonder if it’s even worth your time to do it again. Maybe you’re preparing an amazing lesson for Sunday school or a midweek small group. And you’re so excited to share the biblical truth that you’ve researched and poured your heart into, and even discovered that it’s changing your life. And it ends up that only a few people on the roster are even there to hear it. One of the biggest blocks I’ve seen in solving this frustration is the assumptions that we make about why people aren’t coming.
Laurie Graham 1:06
If we stop assuming and start finding out the real truth, you might be surprised how much can change. So we’re going to talk about the best way to find out why they aren’t coming. And also why your assumption is blocking you from the truth. When leaders in small churches are frustrated by lack of attendance at events or programs, a lot of us see the same things. People at my church aren’t committed. They say they want programs, and then they don’t show up. They’re too busy, or they just don’t care. Does any of that sound familiar? If you haven’t said those things have you ever thought them? Now the interesting thing is when I asked leaders how they know this to be true, that the people at their church aren’t committed or they’re too busy, or that they just don’t care. Invariably, they respond with this. If people were committed and cared, they would come, they’d show up. So clearly, they don’t care. Now, that is an outright assumption. I’d like to suggest that that assumption isn’t always true. In fact, it’s usually wrong. I want to propose that we need to stop assuming why people aren’t coming and start finding out the truth instead. Because really, there are lots of people in small churches who want to grow spiritually.
Laurie Graham 2:23
They want to know the truth about God. They want to know if this life really matters, they want to know if heaven is real. There’s also lots of people in small churches who are lonely and wish for better relationships. They really could use more friends, a community of support. Loneliness is a modern-day health crisis. There’s also lots of people in small churches who are trying to figure out how God and Christianity relate to their real lives. They’re living, their relationships, their choices, their dreams, and their fears. They want to find more peace in their lives, more direction, and more purpose. So other people really do care about the same things we care about. In fact, every human being craves two core things. This is something we all have in common. Every person craves significance, and we also crave belonging. We want to know that we’re loved and that we matter, every single person. So when people don’t show up at your events, or Bible studies, it’s not that they don’t care or aren’t committed, we all care deeply about things and our commitment shows up in the things we care about.
Laurie Graham 3:31
Now, I know we might not be committed to the same things, of course. But isn’t it interesting that we are all seeking the same things, significance, and belonging, and that both of these things are so rooted in the gospel message? So here’s the gospel, God loves us, we belong to Him. And not only do we belong to him, but to a community of believers. The church actually offers a place to be loved and a place to belong. And God also calls us to be salt and light, which is making an impact and changing our world. That is significance. So we are loved and we matter. That is what matters to all humans. We all have that in common. You and those people who aren’t showing up. So before I get too excited here, let’s get back to the practicality of small church ministry. Here’s the thing. If we assume that people aren’t coming because they’re uncommitted and that they don’t care. How does that make you feel? Like how does that make you feel about them? I’ll tell you how it makes most people feel frustrated, annoyed, used, and unappreciated. It’s like this. I’m doing all this work and they don’t care. I have to do everything myself because they won’t help. I put so much time into this and they don’t even show up. Does that sound familiar?
Laurie Graham 4:55
So if we’re frustrated, annoyed, feeling used and unappreciated. How do we show up? Well, this is how we show up, we show up frustrated, annoyed, feeling used and unappreciated. And this is what it looks like. We act frustrated and annoyed. Our tone of voice isn’t friendly. And even when we try to be loving and offer grace, if we are frustrated and annoyed, are real stuff shows up. Can you remember the last time somebody was annoyed or frustrated with you? Like, how did it show, I can totally tell when people are frustrated with me. Even if they say they’re fine, or it’s no big deal, or it’s all good. I can tell. And I bet you can tell too. And so can people at your church.
So if you’re frustrated with people in your church, they totally know it. And I will tell you what, it does not make them want to hang out with you more. Because here’s the truth. Humans are not naturally lazy or uncommitted. We totally make time for what we value. And just because they aren’t choosing your programs or your ministry area, it does not mean they’re uncommitted to growth or Jesus, or that they don’t care about deep things. So if people don’t show up, and volunteers aren’t committed, and they say they want to program but they don’t come and they don’t seem happier, they’re not calling back. Would you like to know the real reason why?
Laurie Graham 6:18
Because I would. We can’t move to solution or to better if we don’t know what the problem is. So here’s the answer to how to figure out the truth, you ready for the big secret? Ask them.
Now, I know it sounds simple. And it is. But simple, things aren’t always easy. If you’re going to ask them, and you really want to find out the truth of what’s going on, you’ll need to develop some skill in finding the truth. Because really, people don’t always tell you the truth. They’ll see they’re busy when they were really just tired and staying home with Netflix, they’ll tell you something came up when they really just had a terrible day or even a diagnosis. And they just couldn’t track themselves to church. They’ll tell you they forgot when they actually decided at the last minute, it really wasn’t worth their time. So what we need to do is we need to create a space where people feel safe, to be honest, we need to develop good relationships where people don’t feel judged, and they feel loved. Instead, we need multiple channels for feedback, ways of communication, that allow for different personalities, and even different levels of trust. And maybe most importantly, we need to settle our own hearts down, get rid of the assumptions, and actually open ourselves up to hear the truth, even if it’s something we don’t want to hear.
Laurie Graham 7:43
You see, sometimes we create stories in our own head about us about them about situations. And these stories help protect us from feeling disappointed or shame or failure or hurt. Because it’s easier to say they’re uncommitted, and they don’t care about their spiritual growth, than to look at the possibility that there’s something wrong with what we’re doing, or that our efforts aren’t actually meeting needs. But the same stories we create are the assumptions we make, right? These stories that seem to be protecting us can also keep us from growing and becoming who God has in mind for us. They can keep us from developing deeper relationships from knowing ourselves better from experiencing God working in our weakness, or even in our disappointment.
Laurie Graham 8:29
Because what happens way too often, is these stories create a separation of us and them, the ones who are committed to the church and the ones who aren’t the people who serve and the people who consume. But this separation isn’t real. We have lots more in common than we do apart all of us. We all want the same things. We want significance and we want belonging. And we all fail miserably in our own walks too. When we ask more questions and listen to needs and hear stories, and develop better relationships, we start becoming more we instead of us and them. So how do we do this? How do we get to the heart of the matter? Why aren’t they coming? Before we get into what questions to ask? I want to start with one of the most difficult parts for most people.
We need to be sincere in wanting to know the truth. And we need to be open to their answers. So don’t start asking people why they aren’t coming unless you really want to know. You have to take all your assumptions and throw them out the window. You have to admit that you might be totally wrong about everyone else. You really only know you. We have to be ready to hear the things we might not want to hear. And we need to listen without judgment. This is, this is hard. But think of it as a fact-finding mission. Like if you could step outside of it like you’ve been hired as a researcher. Your mission is not to draw conclusions to assess good or bad or to sign blame. It’s just to gather research. But be ready for some blind spots and maybe even some blindsiding, be ready to hear some things that you might not want to hear.
Laurie Graham 10:12
And if you do hear things you don’t want to hear, try to control your natural reaction to defend yourself. You’re invited to be sad or angry or devastated or happy or excited. Feelings are all good. I truly believe God speaks to us through our emotions, we can learn from them all. But getting defensive. That’s not an emotion, that’s an action and it’s a choice we can control. So keep that scripture in mind that says, be quick to listen and slow to speak. And as you listen to people, keep in mind that you’re hearing their perspective. And their perspective is what they’re experiencing. It’s their true experience. If they criticize your program, it doesn’t necessarily mean your program is bad or off. But it is their experience. If you hear negatives you don’t agree with remember that even in a factual automobile accident, where there’s actual physical truth that happened, multiple witnesses will share very different stories. That’s why multiple witnesses are important. The truth is in there, it just met might need some sifting out. But here’s a great reminder, the truth is good. And it often needs sorting out.
Laurie Graham 11:25
This is where a mentor or an outside Jesus-following friend comes in. And none of us should be doing ministry alone or without support. We need those people to reflect back to us to keep us moving forward. I’m also not suggesting that you put yourself in a position to be beat up or torn down as you’re asking people why they’re not coming. But if it happens a little which it has for me, you need those people to help you filter out the truth and remind you of your never changing identity in Christ. You might also need those people to help you see a little into your own blind spots, to admit where you fall short, because we all do. And as you go about asking people in your church for their thoughts, their opinions, their obstacles, one of the things you want to do is look for common denominators to notice what comes up from multiple people, maybe in different ways. You might need to hear the words they choose and even pay attention to their phrases. Listen for their needs, and especially listen to what you don’t hear what they’re not saying. Because sometimes there’s more to learn in what people actually don’t say.
Laurie Graham 12:34
So now that we have a little perspective on listening, what should we ask? If you want to find out why people aren’t coming to your programs? I’m going to suggest that you don’t walk up and say, Hey, why aren’t you coming to Bible study? Now? Well, you’ll probably get a quick answer with that question. It won’t be a thoughtful one. People will probably say they’re busy. But the truth is, we all make time for what’s important to us. So there’s better ways at getting to the heart of things. First off, you need to create a culture where input is welcome, invited and considered. Now this is new for most people. Most ministry leaders have a vision and they do what they want, and they invite people to join them. In the workplace. Think about it, you’re usually hired to fill a job description not to write one or be part of writing one. So it might take a few times of asking before people believe that you actually want to know what they’re thinking.
Laurie Graham 13:26
To create a culture like this a safe place to share input, you need to ask for input lots, and really listen, consider and include people when making changes, building teams and growing ministries. You’ll also need to ask in multiple ways and often sending out a survey isn’t enough. Because not everyone will fill out a survey, not everyone will be honest on a survey. Not everyone will also want to have a conversation. Some people don’t want anyone to know what their suggestion even was. Now, some people are happy to give input in a group, but others not so much. They would do better in a one on one setting, and some people would have be happy to share their thoughts with you. And other people would need to share it with a different person on your team. Somewhat totally fill out a Google form. But others want to know more personally that you care.
But if you begin inviting input in lots of different ways at different times in different settings, even at different depths, you’ll start inviting real answers. If you’re not going to ask people why aren’t you coming? Here’s a few questions to ask to get some real answers. How about this one? What was your favorite part of this event or program? Or what do you wish we did differently? What kind of program would you be excited to invite your neighbor to? What would you like to see? If you could change one thing in your life right now? What would it be? What need do you see in the community that the church could help with? Do you feel like you have time for your own priorities? What do you need? How could the church help? What are your biggest challenges right now? What would make it easier for you to attend? As you ask these types of questions, and listen, remember you’re communicating to, you don’t have to be the one speaking to communicate, just by asking and listening.
Laurie Graham 15:27
This is what you’re communicating. I value you. I hear you. And you’re important. So you’re getting feedback, you’re hearing people’s needs, what they love some insight into why they’re not coming. What do you do with this feedback? Now, of course, our call is not to make everyone happy or to meet every need. We have an audience of one. We don’t need to drive ourselves into the ground, trying to do all things for all people. But you do need to honor the stories you’ve heard every criticism, heartache, joy, and even apathy is a story. start wondering why someone shared their heart with you, even if it was just a little crack in the door that they opened, growing compassion and understanding. And eventually, this will outweigh your frustration with why they’re not coming. When I listen to someone, I try to remind myself that I’m only hearing the tip of the iceberg. There’s always more, whether it’s on a survey, and an evaluation, and a meeting, or a private conversation.
Laurie Graham 16:30
If someone shares a little bit of hurt, there’s always more hurt. If someone shares some disappointment, there’s more. The same with anger, grief, conflict, hope, dreams, regrets, the door opens a tiny little crack. And every time I’m willing to listen, if I honor their story, just maybe the door will open a little more next time. So as you listen well, and take some notes, what you’re gonna find are some common threads that run through your church community, you’re gonna get some Inklings on where God is working, where a reconciliation might need to take place, you’re going to hear some needs, that you never knew were there. And that’s where we respond to the common threads to the needs to where God is already working. So here’s three tips. If you’re ready to make some changes, go slow and go slower than you think.
Laurie Graham 17:27
Also invite others into the process, have vision parties and planning parties where you can share and grow together to make decisions together and move forward as a team. And the third tip is just be ready to pivot, I find that God very often alters my plans, even when I think they’re genius. So I’m always watching and waiting to move with him. So if you’re frustrated, because people aren’t coming, I want to suggest that you might not be joining God where he’s working. Because if we knew God was at work, and we were joining him there, right, we wouldn’t be frustrated, even if only one came, we’d be so excited because God’s at work even for one. Or how about if no one showed up? If we knew God was at work there, it wouldn’t be a bummer at all. It would be like, Oh, what is God doing? Is he teaching me to let go of my pride? Is he nudging me to invest my time somewhere else? He’s at work, tell me God, what is it? So sometimes we need to quit being so busy doing stuff for God, that we’re not even recognizing where He’s at work. And He’s always at work. If you don’t see God at work in your programs, be assured that He is at work with people, because that’s who God pursues. It’s what He’s about. He’s always about people.
Laurie Graham 18:52
So find out where God’s working. That’s why we’re asking these questions. Sometimes we need to quit digging in our heels into our programs or hanging on to what used to work, we might need to open our hands and let go of something that we’re holding on to very tightly in order to make room for what God has in mind in its place. So let’s stop assuming that people don’t care or they aren’t committed, and start finding out what they do care about. Remember to listen more than you talk and ask really good questions, questions that are open-ended, not threatening or judging, and in different ways at different times in different settings with different people. Listen well and care even more than you listen.
Laurie Graham 19:40
You honestly might be one of the few people who do. Hear what they’re not saying in addition to their words. And remember, the goal is relationship, not just information. Because think of it. The people we know well, we don’t have to ask them why they’re not coming. We already know that And finally, be ready with a plan for hearing the hard stuff. Be open, be humble, and be supported. Always keep in mind that programs exist for people, not the other way around. If people aren’t coming to the programs, we need to ask some better questions. And that starts with loving people, knowing them, seeing them, hearing them. It’s what Jesus did. As always, if you found some encouragement in this podcast, please share it with someone you care about. Don’t forget to check out more actionable strategies, tips, and ideas for small churches at the creative little church.com. And if you have a minute, please leave a review or a comment. Your reviews and ratings really help others find those. So go be a light in the world and we’ll talk again soon.
Laurie Acker 0:01
Hey, this is Laurie Graham. Welcome to The Small Church Ministry Podcast.
Laurie Graham 0:14
Hey, thanks for joining me for another dive into small church ministry and how to do it better. Today we’re talking about a topic that crosses all ministry areas and can lead to a lot of frustration for committed volunteers and also for leaders everywhere. We’re going to talk about why people don’t come. So maybe you pour time into making an event that’s totally fabulous, and only a few people show up. Or you wonder if it’s even worth your time to do it again. Maybe you’re preparing an amazing lesson for Sunday school or a midweek small group. And you’re so excited to share the biblical truth that you’ve researched and poured your heart into, and even discovered that it’s changing your life. And it ends up that only a few people on the roster are even there to hear it. One of the biggest blocks I’ve seen in solving this frustration is the assumptions that we make about why people aren’t coming.
Laurie Graham 1:06
If we stop assuming and start finding out the real truth, you might be surprised how much can change. So we’re going to talk about the best way to find out why they aren’t coming. And also why your assumption is blocking you from the truth. When leaders in small churches are frustrated by lack of attendance at events or programs, a lot of us see the same things. People at my church aren’t committed. They say they want programs, and then they don’t show up. They’re too busy, or they just don’t care. Does any of that sound familiar? If you haven’t said those things have you ever thought them? Now the interesting thing is when I asked leaders how they know this to be true, that the people at their church aren’t committed or they’re too busy, or that they just don’t care. Invariably, they respond with this. If people were committed and cared, they would come, they’d show up. So clearly, they don’t care. Now, that is an outright assumption. I’d like to suggest that that assumption isn’t always true. In fact, it’s usually wrong. I want to propose that we need to stop assuming why people aren’t coming and start finding out the truth instead. Because really, there are lots of people in small churches who want to grow spiritually.
Laurie Graham 2:23
They want to know the truth about God. They want to know if this life really matters, they want to know if heaven is real. There’s also lots of people in small churches who are lonely and wish for better relationships. They really could use more friends, a community of support. Loneliness is a modern-day health crisis. There’s also lots of people in small churches who are trying to figure out how God and Christianity relate to their real lives. They’re living, their relationships, their choices, their dreams, and their fears. They want to find more peace in their lives, more direction, and more purpose. So other people really do care about the same things we care about. In fact, every human being craves two core things. This is something we all have in common. Every person craves significance, and we also crave belonging. We want to know that we’re loved and that we matter, every single person. So when people don’t show up at your events, or Bible studies, it’s not that they don’t care or aren’t committed, we all care deeply about things and our commitment shows up in the things we care about.
Laurie Graham 3:31
Now, I know we might not be committed to the same things, of course. But isn’t it interesting that we are all seeking the same things, significance, and belonging, and that both of these things are so rooted in the gospel message? So here’s the gospel, God loves us, we belong to Him. And not only do we belong to him, but to a community of believers. The church actually offers a place to be loved and a place to belong. And God also calls us to be salt and light, which is making an impact and changing our world. That is significance. So we are loved and we matter. That is what matters to all humans. We all have that in common. You and those people who aren’t showing up. So before I get too excited here, let’s get back to the practicality of small church ministry. Here’s the thing. If we assume that people aren’t coming because they’re uncommitted and that they don’t care. How does that make you feel? Like how does that make you feel about them? I’ll tell you how it makes most people feel frustrated, annoyed, used, and unappreciated. It’s like this. I’m doing all this work and they don’t care. I have to do everything myself because they won’t help. I put so much time into this and they don’t even show up. Does that sound familiar?
Laurie Graham 4:55
So if we’re frustrated, annoyed, feeling used and unappreciated. How do we show up? Well, this is how we show up, we show up frustrated, annoyed, feeling used and unappreciated. And this is what it looks like. We act frustrated and annoyed. Our tone of voice isn’t friendly. And even when we try to be loving and offer grace, if we are frustrated and annoyed, are real stuff shows up. Can you remember the last time somebody was annoyed or frustrated with you? Like, how did it show, I can totally tell when people are frustrated with me. Even if they say they’re fine, or it’s no big deal, or it’s all good. I can tell. And I bet you can tell too. And so can people at your church.
So if you’re frustrated with people in your church, they totally know it. And I will tell you what, it does not make them want to hang out with you more. Because here’s the truth. Humans are not naturally lazy or uncommitted. We totally make time for what we value. And just because they aren’t choosing your programs or your ministry area, it does not mean they’re uncommitted to growth or Jesus, or that they don’t care about deep things. So if people don’t show up, and volunteers aren’t committed, and they say they want to program but they don’t come and they don’t seem happier, they’re not calling back. Would you like to know the real reason why?
Laurie Graham 6:18
Because I would. We can’t move to solution or to better if we don’t know what the problem is. So here’s the answer to how to figure out the truth, you ready for the big secret? Ask them.
Now, I know it sounds simple. And it is. But simple, things aren’t always easy. If you’re going to ask them, and you really want to find out the truth of what’s going on, you’ll need to develop some skill in finding the truth. Because really, people don’t always tell you the truth. They’ll see they’re busy when they were really just tired and staying home with Netflix, they’ll tell you something came up when they really just had a terrible day or even a diagnosis. And they just couldn’t track themselves to church. They’ll tell you they forgot when they actually decided at the last minute, it really wasn’t worth their time. So what we need to do is we need to create a space where people feel safe, to be honest, we need to develop good relationships where people don’t feel judged, and they feel loved. Instead, we need multiple channels for feedback, ways of communication, that allow for different personalities, and even different levels of trust. And maybe most importantly, we need to settle our own hearts down, get rid of the assumptions, and actually open ourselves up to hear the truth, even if it’s something we don’t want to hear.
Laurie Graham 7:43
You see, sometimes we create stories in our own head about us about them about situations. And these stories help protect us from feeling disappointed or shame or failure or hurt. Because it’s easier to say they’re uncommitted, and they don’t care about their spiritual growth, than to look at the possibility that there’s something wrong with what we’re doing, or that our efforts aren’t actually meeting needs. But the same stories we create are the assumptions we make, right? These stories that seem to be protecting us can also keep us from growing and becoming who God has in mind for us. They can keep us from developing deeper relationships from knowing ourselves better from experiencing God working in our weakness, or even in our disappointment.
Laurie Graham 8:29
Because what happens way too often, is these stories create a separation of us and them, the ones who are committed to the church and the ones who aren’t the people who serve and the people who consume. But this separation isn’t real. We have lots more in common than we do apart all of us. We all want the same things. We want significance and we want belonging. And we all fail miserably in our own walks too. When we ask more questions and listen to needs and hear stories, and develop better relationships, we start becoming more we instead of us and them. So how do we do this? How do we get to the heart of the matter? Why aren’t they coming? Before we get into what questions to ask? I want to start with one of the most difficult parts for most people.
We need to be sincere in wanting to know the truth. And we need to be open to their answers. So don’t start asking people why they aren’t coming unless you really want to know. You have to take all your assumptions and throw them out the window. You have to admit that you might be totally wrong about everyone else. You really only know you. We have to be ready to hear the things we might not want to hear. And we need to listen without judgment. This is, this is hard. But think of it as a fact-finding mission. Like if you could step outside of it like you’ve been hired as a researcher. Your mission is not to draw conclusions to assess good or bad or to sign blame. It’s just to gather research. But be ready for some blind spots and maybe even some blindsiding, be ready to hear some things that you might not want to hear.
Laurie Graham 10:12
And if you do hear things you don’t want to hear, try to control your natural reaction to defend yourself. You’re invited to be sad or angry or devastated or happy or excited. Feelings are all good. I truly believe God speaks to us through our emotions, we can learn from them all. But getting defensive. That’s not an emotion, that’s an action and it’s a choice we can control. So keep that scripture in mind that says, be quick to listen and slow to speak. And as you listen to people, keep in mind that you’re hearing their perspective. And their perspective is what they’re experiencing. It’s their true experience. If they criticize your program, it doesn’t necessarily mean your program is bad or off. But it is their experience. If you hear negatives you don’t agree with remember that even in a factual automobile accident, where there’s actual physical truth that happened, multiple witnesses will share very different stories. That’s why multiple witnesses are important. The truth is in there, it just met might need some sifting out. But here’s a great reminder, the truth is good. And it often needs sorting out.
Laurie Graham 11:25
This is where a mentor or an outside Jesus-following friend comes in. And none of us should be doing ministry alone or without support. We need those people to reflect back to us to keep us moving forward. I’m also not suggesting that you put yourself in a position to be beat up or torn down as you’re asking people why they’re not coming. But if it happens a little which it has for me, you need those people to help you filter out the truth and remind you of your never changing identity in Christ. You might also need those people to help you see a little into your own blind spots, to admit where you fall short, because we all do. And as you go about asking people in your church for their thoughts, their opinions, their obstacles, one of the things you want to do is look for common denominators to notice what comes up from multiple people, maybe in different ways. You might need to hear the words they choose and even pay attention to their phrases. Listen for their needs, and especially listen to what you don’t hear what they’re not saying. Because sometimes there’s more to learn in what people actually don’t say.
Laurie Graham 12:34
So now that we have a little perspective on listening, what should we ask? If you want to find out why people aren’t coming to your programs? I’m going to suggest that you don’t walk up and say, Hey, why aren’t you coming to Bible study? Now? Well, you’ll probably get a quick answer with that question. It won’t be a thoughtful one. People will probably say they’re busy. But the truth is, we all make time for what’s important to us. So there’s better ways at getting to the heart of things. First off, you need to create a culture where input is welcome, invited and considered. Now this is new for most people. Most ministry leaders have a vision and they do what they want, and they invite people to join them. In the workplace. Think about it, you’re usually hired to fill a job description not to write one or be part of writing one. So it might take a few times of asking before people believe that you actually want to know what they’re thinking.
Laurie Graham 13:26
To create a culture like this a safe place to share input, you need to ask for input lots, and really listen, consider and include people when making changes, building teams and growing ministries. You’ll also need to ask in multiple ways and often sending out a survey isn’t enough. Because not everyone will fill out a survey, not everyone will be honest on a survey. Not everyone will also want to have a conversation. Some people don’t want anyone to know what their suggestion even was. Now, some people are happy to give input in a group, but others not so much. They would do better in a one on one setting, and some people would have be happy to share their thoughts with you. And other people would need to share it with a different person on your team. Somewhat totally fill out a Google form. But others want to know more personally that you care.
But if you begin inviting input in lots of different ways at different times in different settings, even at different depths, you’ll start inviting real answers. If you’re not going to ask people why aren’t you coming? Here’s a few questions to ask to get some real answers. How about this one? What was your favorite part of this event or program? Or what do you wish we did differently? What kind of program would you be excited to invite your neighbor to? What would you like to see? If you could change one thing in your life right now? What would it be? What need do you see in the community that the church could help with? Do you feel like you have time for your own priorities? What do you need? How could the church help? What are your biggest challenges right now? What would make it easier for you to attend? As you ask these types of questions, and listen, remember you’re communicating to, you don’t have to be the one speaking to communicate, just by asking and listening.
Laurie Graham 15:27
This is what you’re communicating. I value you. I hear you. And you’re important. So you’re getting feedback, you’re hearing people’s needs, what they love some insight into why they’re not coming. What do you do with this feedback? Now, of course, our call is not to make everyone happy or to meet every need. We have an audience of one. We don’t need to drive ourselves into the ground, trying to do all things for all people. But you do need to honor the stories you’ve heard every criticism, heartache, joy, and even apathy is a story. start wondering why someone shared their heart with you, even if it was just a little crack in the door that they opened, growing compassion and understanding. And eventually, this will outweigh your frustration with why they’re not coming. When I listen to someone, I try to remind myself that I’m only hearing the tip of the iceberg. There’s always more, whether it’s on a survey, and an evaluation, and a meeting, or a private conversation.
Laurie Graham 16:30
If someone shares a little bit of hurt, there’s always more hurt. If someone shares some disappointment, there’s more. The same with anger, grief, conflict, hope, dreams, regrets, the door opens a tiny little crack. And every time I’m willing to listen, if I honor their story, just maybe the door will open a little more next time. So as you listen well, and take some notes, what you’re gonna find are some common threads that run through your church community, you’re gonna get some Inklings on where God is working, where a reconciliation might need to take place, you’re going to hear some needs, that you never knew were there. And that’s where we respond to the common threads to the needs to where God is already working. So here’s three tips. If you’re ready to make some changes, go slow and go slower than you think.
Laurie Graham 17:27
Also invite others into the process, have vision parties and planning parties where you can share and grow together to make decisions together and move forward as a team. And the third tip is just be ready to pivot, I find that God very often alters my plans, even when I think they’re genius. So I’m always watching and waiting to move with him. So if you’re frustrated, because people aren’t coming, I want to suggest that you might not be joining God where he’s working. Because if we knew God was at work, and we were joining him there, right, we wouldn’t be frustrated, even if only one came, we’d be so excited because God’s at work even for one. Or how about if no one showed up? If we knew God was at work there, it wouldn’t be a bummer at all. It would be like, Oh, what is God doing? Is he teaching me to let go of my pride? Is he nudging me to invest my time somewhere else? He’s at work, tell me God, what is it? So sometimes we need to quit being so busy doing stuff for God, that we’re not even recognizing where He’s at work. And He’s always at work. If you don’t see God at work in your programs, be assured that He is at work with people, because that’s who God pursues. It’s what He’s about. He’s always about people.
Laurie Graham 18:52
So find out where God’s working. That’s why we’re asking these questions. Sometimes we need to quit digging in our heels into our programs or hanging on to what used to work, we might need to open our hands and let go of something that we’re holding on to very tightly in order to make room for what God has in mind in its place. So let’s stop assuming that people don’t care or they aren’t committed, and start finding out what they do care about. Remember to listen more than you talk and ask really good questions, questions that are open-ended, not threatening or judging, and in different ways at different times in different settings with different people. Listen well and care even more than you listen.
Laurie Graham 19:40
You honestly might be one of the few people who do. Hear what they’re not saying in addition to their words. And remember, the goal is relationship, not just information. Because think of it. The people we know well, we don’t have to ask them why they’re not coming. We already know that And finally, be ready with a plan for hearing the hard stuff. Be open, be humble, and be supported. Always keep in mind that programs exist for people, not the other way around. If people aren’t coming to the programs, we need to ask some better questions. And that starts with loving people, knowing them, seeing them, hearing them. It’s what Jesus did. As always, if you found some encouragement in this podcast, please share it with someone you care about. Don’t forget to check out more actionable strategies, tips, and ideas for small churches at the creative little church.com. And if you have a minute, please leave a review or a comment. Your reviews and ratings really help others find those. So go be a light in the world and we’ll talk again soon.
I feel better after reading this. Some of my programs have been sparsely attemded lately and I think this will help me cope better.
Yes, Donna! And not just to cope, but to be able to see what God is doing. That’s my prayer for you. Because He is totally at work! Watch who DOES come. And if no one does, ask God what He’s up to. Much love, Laurie
Some good and timely reminders for me. Thanks. First podcast for me! Hope to find time for more. Remembering that all people want significance and to belong – so true!
First podcast?!?! WOOHOO! you can listen while you cook, while you drive, while you walk … podcasts are quite fun!
This podcast was very helpful for me You brought up situations that I see every week at church that are not being addressed. Like the frustration of leaders on Sunday when no one steps up to help them with a program. You’re so right that that frustration carries over to Sunday worship and makes the environment less welcoming. The part of talking to and building relationships again with those who are not coming to see where God is meeting them/us is an important reminder to making them feel welcome and needed and where God may be wanting us to change in our assumptions. I need to share your podcast with our leaders that we might be enlightened on how to reach out to others again.
Thank you so much for sharing this! The podcast can be found on Apple Podcast, Spotify, and any other favorite places people listen in! Thanks for helping spread the word!