116: Why Celebrating Mother’s Day In Church Is Complicated

Laurie Graham 0:01
Hey, this is Laurie Graham. Welcome to the Small Church Ministry podcast.

Laurie Graham 0:14
Hey, welcome back to another episode of the Small Church Ministry Podcast, where we address topics, challenges, and joys of the unique ministry in small churches around the world. So today, we’re talking Mother’s Day. In the US and Canada, we share the second Sunday of May as Mother’s Day. But there are tons of countries all over the world who have their own version of Mother’s Day. Tons fall in May, but others actually occur at different times throughout the year. Some churches even celebrate International Women’s Day. But we’re tackling this topic in March this year, so we have a little time to consider and maybe even tweak our plans if we have any this year.

Laurie Graham 0:52
So I find it funny that I just used the word “tackling” this topic as though it’s a full-contact, violent sport. But on the flip side, I think it’s a great word. Because this topic of Mother’s Day actually can be a little bit sticky, sometimes controversial. I’ve definitely had some interesting conversations with people who get a bit riled up about the topic of Mother’s Day and why people suggest being sensitive. So before the end of this episode, you’re going to get some great ideas and thoughts about how to make your Mother’s Day at your church more intentional. And we’re going to talk about why it really is a choice whether or not you choose to celebrate Mother’s Day, why Mother’s Day is more complicated than it was in the past, and some specific tips for children’s and youth ministry as well. So let’s dive in.

Laurie Graham 1:36
And I guess first, I will just say that you don’t need to acknowledge Mother’s Day in your church at all. Before I get any hate mail, Mother’s Day is a secular holiday in the world. It is not a church holiday. There’s no evidence of celebrating mothers in the Bible, definitely no biblical mandates. It’s just a holiday on the calendar like Father’s Day or, in the US, many churches will acknowledge Memorial Day, or Veterans Day, or Fourth of July. Many churches around the world will acknowledge New Year’s Day, even Valentine’s Day, right?

But this is not a celebration mentioned in the Bible, not a mandate, totally your choice, whether you’re going to celebrate it or not. So if after hearing this episode, or maybe you’ve already decided ahead of time, you decide not to acknowledge Mother’s Day at your church this year, more power to you. I totally support you. You will probably, however, get a little bit of flak from people who love this holiday. And I think that’s even a great opportunity to express some heartfelt compassion and empathy, as well as even some teaching or, you know, why we’ve chosen not to. But to avoid the wrath of some people, you may want to at least acknowledge Mother’s Day with a prayer. There are some beautiful prayers on the internet that actually acknowledge a few of the things we’re going to talk about today and bring a little broader empathy into the holiday that celebrates moms and also acknowledges loss that people may have experienced.

Laurie Graham 3:03
But if you do decide to acknowledge Mother’s Day, I also think that can be an incredible ministry opportunity. And I also don’t think it’s wrong. You know, we do a lot of things in our churches that are not mandated by the Bible, like serving coffee or giving welcome gifts to visitors. So take it either way you want. But I will take a stand in saying that if you do celebrate Mother’s Day, most of this podcast is dedicated to this. I just highly believe we need to do this with some sensitivity and compassion. And here’s where the angst can come in. The truth is that Mother’s Day is not a happy, flowery day, probably for the majority of women, not just a few. And at the very least, it is complicated. It’s a conflicting day. And it can be triggering or even hurtful.

Laurie Graham 3:55
But let’s just start out and talk about this ideal Mother’s Day beauty picture image behind it. Because for people who talk about the idealized role of mothers in the Bible, women being mothers, as though motherhood is the highest role in the biblical circle of life. First off, I’m not knocking motherhood. I think it can be very beautiful. I think it is important. It is a nurturing side. It is wonderful. It’s a wonderful experience for those who have had it.

But this idea that this is like the highest thing you could do, that the most important thing in your life is to be a mother, that this role itself should be lifted up and exalted. This idea is not a Jesus-promoted one. In fact, there are two biblical times recorded when we can actually see the culture probably was rearing up a little bit at Jesus in his response to the role of motherhood. You know, in Luke 11, somebody in the crowd called out to Jesus and said, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.” Do you remember how Jesus responded? This takes me back in so many ways, but what Jesus said was, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” And throughout Scripture, the highest role of a Christian is actually just being a disciple. That’s our highest role. That’s like our highest calling.

Laurie Graham 5:27
There was another time in Luke 8, when Jesus’s mother and brothers came to see him. Do you remember that? They couldn’t get near him and somebody says, “Your mother and brother are standing outside.” And do you remember his response? He said, “My mother and brothers are those who hear the word of God and put it into practice.” Now, again, I am not saying motherhood is not important or should not be recognized or should not be esteemed. But our highest role is to disciple, hands down. And sometimes in our exalting of motherhood, we actually inadvertently kind of lessen the role of other women who are not mothers, either by choice or by trauma, by infertility, with loss. And so, because of all this, celebrating Mother’s Day in our modern world can bring up a lot of heightened emotions and a lot of different feelings that aren’t intended. And even cause some separation in our churches instead of bringing us together.

Laurie Graham 6:31
So if you do choose to acknowledge Mother’s Day, I’ve got some ideas, I’ve got some tips, I’ve got a little bit of teaching throughout this podcast, so that we can come to making an intentional decision, so that we’re not just doing what’s been done in the past, whether it’s acknowledging or not acknowledging, that we can actually look at the opportunity, the ministry opportunity that really surrounds this holiday, if we choose to go there.

Laurie Graham 6:56
Okay, when I mentioned some high emotions, I have to be honest, where I’ve encountered the most upset when it comes to Mother’s Day, is for people who just want to do it like we’ve done it in the past. So hang with me, as I give you this picture. People who say or feel like, “Why can’t we just do Mother’s Day the way we used to do it? It was sweet. Everybody got a flower. We celebrated moms. We had a big tea.” You know, and they will say things like this, “It was fun. It was great. Why do we have to acknowledge loss? It’s like, you know, at Christmas time when people want to do these Blue Christmas services,” by which I am a fan. “We don’t Christmas is a happy time, it doesn’t need to be sad.” And people will say the same thing about Mother’s Day, “There is nothing wrong with celebrating moms. This did not used to be a big deal. We did not use to have to acknowledge loss or pain or grief or loneliness.” And some people will say, “I hate that our culture is making us do this today, that everything is such a big deal now and we have to be so careful with everything we do.”

Laurie Graham 8:02
So here’s the reality. Mother’s Day is not more complicated or painful today than it was in the past. It’s not more painful because we’re talking about it. It was just as painful 30 years ago, 50 years ago, 80 years ago. The difference is that it wasn’t acceptable to talk about it in the past. The pain was still there. The complication was still there. People were hurt, people left crying, people weren’t included. But here’s the change: Those of us who were unaware of the complication and the pain are becoming more aware. And this is an opportunity. It’s an opportunity for deeper ministry, for more sensitivity, to develop and express empathy, understanding.

This all sounds very Jesus-like to me. 30 years ago, when it was the norm to do big Mother’s Day celebrations in the churches and mothers’ teas, it was just as painful to women who struggled with infertility, to women who survived their babies being born still, to women who had abusive or neglectful moms in their life, and felt as though they had very little to celebrate. It was just as painful to women who were estranged from their children or their mothers. It may have even been more terrible in the past, because everyone was expected to smile through it and ignore it and not show your hurt and not talk about pain. Because pain was private, especially that kind of pain. We were told it was expected to bear it on our own, to be strong and not share our suffering with others. How private pain used to be. Now I also want to say that’s not biblical. Jesus does not call us to hide. I’m not saying we have to spill everything out to everyone. But there is a place and a time to acknowledge hurt and pain. So why it’s different today.

Laurie Graham 10:13
I’d like to suggest it’s because we know more, because we’ve grown. Even as a Christian church, we have grown. This doesn’t have to be about grieving the past, happy, oblivious celebrations. I think it’s an opportunity that has raised some awareness, and it’s an opportunity for compassionate care. Because this is what we know today: In the US alone, 21,000 babies are stillborn. Over 25% of parents, they say these days, are estranged from their children, have broken relationships. That is tough to celebrate Mother’s Day when you have a deep pain in your heart because your children are estranged. Hundreds of people experience abuse, neglected parents. Over 15% of parents experience the death of a child—a child dies before they do. And so often, it is said that is not the way life is supposed to go. 15% of parents, can you imagine that? A third of the people in your church right now, if you just follow regular statistics, have experienced the death of their mothers, a third of the people sitting in your church. Over 15% of couples have fertility issues. Oftentimes when parents are in church, mothers, however old their children are, where they may have just moved away, and experience so much loneliness on that day.

Laurie Graham 11:55
So this is the truth: On a beautiful day of celebrating mothers, which we can do, existing at the same time is tragedy and loneliness and estrangement and regret, missed opportunities, grief and loss, existing at the same time as joy and celebration. And this is a good thing. This is how God set up our life, our community, our family, in our churches. These things exist at the same time. It’s not lessening the celebration because there is sadness, we can do both. But if we want to be compassionately caring, we need to do both. I think the worst choice, honestly, is to ignore the sadness or grief or loss and pretend it’s not there and just celebrate the good. This is what we can do at Christmas time too. And again, the issues I’m talking about today aren’t just specific to Mother’s Day; you can take so much good stuff out of this podcast and consider other celebrations you have as well. But to turn our face away from sadness in lieu of the celebration, I don’t think Jesus would do that either. Our Savior, a man of compassion, fully acquainted with grief and sorrow.

Laurie Graham 13:15
Now in the past, instead of acknowledging this mixed bag of complicated issues, we sugar-coated it with joy and flowers. And that does not have to be that way. Let’s not cover or hide the complication. I’m personally falling in love with this Maya Angelou quote that I was reminded of in Jeannine Makhana Hays’s book Trauma in the Pews. She had quoted Maya Angelou and it is just sticking with me. Because I think it’s so fitting for this topic at hand. Maya Angelou had said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better.” Now that I know better, I do better. So now that we know better, now that we have a fuller understanding of the complicated issues and stories that exist around Mother’s Day, let’s just do a little better.

Laurie Graham 14:05
So how can we do better? Okay, if you choose to celebrate Mother’s Day, I’ve got a few things for you. One is, consider what you teach and how you speak on the actual day. I actually have a few friends who do not go to church on Mother’s Day because it’s very triggering for them. And I think we also need to let people choose that. Let’s not be down about that. If that’s what they do, that’s what they do, and that’s okay. But for people who do show up on Mother’s Day, what do you teach? What do you pray? How do you speak? We can talk about and address loss and hurt and healing and very human relationships. If the sermon is surrounding Mother’s Day, why not broaden it out to talk about relationships, the beautiful reminder with Mother’s Day of the wonder of birth and our call to nurture and protect and have some responsibility toward those who are vulnerable around us, like children, but not only children.

Mother’s Day is a beautiful day to really be reminded of what connects us to each other. You know how God has created us in this world to really experience creation and the wonder of creation? Yes, with children and babies, and also with the seasons and the way that nature itself, like God’s created nature to be, with birth and rebirth, and even death and dying. To think about relationships, to speak about regret, reconciliation. Again, we can just consider all the complicated issues that surround Mother’s Day, whether it is loneliness, or estrangement, or broken relationships, and celebration, and nurturing and being there to meet each other in their needs and losses as well. There’s so much opportunity to acknowledge around this day, besides just celebrating the secular holiday, as we may have done in years past, or as they do in school systems or in our community and the culture that surrounds us. It is an opportunity because here’s the thing, whether or not we choose to acknowledge it in our church, it’s already on everyone’s minds, whether they’re excited about the brunch that’s following the church with their family, and they have restaurant reservations, or whether they are coming in with some loss and grief from their own experience with their mother, as well as their children. So people are already thinking about it. I think there’s an opportunity to acknowledge it and to go deeper.

Laurie Graham 16:40
I know churches who will say a prayer on Mother’s Day. It is absolutely available online, I’m almost positive you can find it on Pinterest. But it is a beautiful prayer that is prayed on Mother’s Day, that acknowledges the joy and the celebration, as well as acknowledging women who are sitting in the pews with deep hurts and deep regrets and deep sadness as well. For all the different types of situations that I mentioned earlier. But if you do decide to acknowledge Mother’s Day in your church, I would ask that you really do consider five different things.

Laurie Graham 17:16
One is just acknowledging the hurt, the pain, the disappointment somewhere in your service. A second thing I would encourage you to do is acknowledge all women, not just moms. I know many churches have gone to this over the past decade, where if they are giving a flower on Mother’s Day, our church did that often, we would have a little gift that we would give. So all women had gotten this gift.

Laurie Graham 17:40
A third thing that I would encourage you to do is to include some teaching or resources for healing of past hurts and wounds and regrets. It’s okay to mention, “Hey, if you’ve got some pain going on, we do have some resources in the back.” You know, maybe you have a resource sheet that includes support groups for grief, for infertility, for stillbirth, or even a counselor that is trusted by your church with a name and a number. You know, kind of like a referral. And why this is so great to include on Mother’s Day: again, people are suffering every day all year long. Why not introduce that there is healing beyond Jesus heals, right? Because we know that there is often more going on and we need more supports. And I believe this is God-led to be learning in community, not just one-on-one with our Lord and Savior, but to be learning and healing and journeying this life together with other human beings around us.

Laurie Graham 18:47
The fourth thing I just want to suggest, and this is going to depend on your church culture, of course, is just to consider having a woman give the sermon or give the Mother’s Day announcement, or give the prayer. I know it’s always a little bit disconnecting when I’ve been in churches on Mother’s Day when the person who prayed the prayer, who mentioned the holiday, and who gave the sermon were all men. There is a little bit of disconnect as we have more empathy and compassion when we are a little more connected to the people we’re serving in a way. So again, I know that some of your churches may not allow women in the pulpit, maybe there’s an opportunity to have a prayer or an announcement or even just, I don’t know, a booth in your hallway or some kind of place where the women are also involved in that holiday. And then the fifth thing I just want to mention is this opportunity to acknowledge pain and loss could be brought up in a more public, more noticeable way.

Laurie Graham 19:47
In a way that could bring light to hidden stories or be a place where people don’t have to leave their stories in the car, as Jeannine Makhana Hays has said, where we could actually bring our stories—they’re already on our hearts and in our minds, that we’re already carrying—into the church.

Laurie Graham 20:04
So a couple ideas could be to have a prayer tree in your foyer to acknowledge loss, as well as the gifts and beauties. Maybe people could post prayers or prayers for their own hurts. What about some sort of blue gift? As we talk about Blue Christmas service that acknowledges grief around the holidays, when so many times we’re taught and told to shove that down, and we’re supposed to be happy? What if there was a blue gift that just acknowledged not only the great joy, but also the pain and loss around women in our lives? You could have a full event, or a teaching, or a workshop that was a place for acknowledgement of parental relationships and things like that. So just feel free to think a little bit creatively. Like, what could we do to acknowledge? What could we do to make space for stories? How could that look? If you do a women’s tea, by the way, a lot of people will do a women’s tea, like churches around Mother’s Day, even if they’re not calling it “Mother’s Tea” anymore, to call it a “Women’s Tea.” And is there a space in there to acknowledge that?

Laurie Graham 21:14
I do have a few specific tips for children’s and youth ministry around Mother’s Day. I did enough children and youth ministry work to be super aware of children who are coming out of unhappy homes, places where in churches and schools, everybody’s making gifts for mothers, and maybe they don’t have a mother, and they feel awkward. I think in our communication with children and youth, if you do acknowledge this holiday or do something around it, normalize the non-traditional homes, the non-traditional situations. And by non-traditional, I don’t necessarily mean that they’re in a home without a mother, but just that which they may be. But by non-traditional, I mean it’s not always happy. You know, to make some space, even in our language, to say, “Hey, you might be mad at your mom today. You might be mad at your mother. Your mother may have done some things that weren’t really great for you in the past.” You know, speaking to teenagers to be able to have conversations about humans doing their best and not always being perfect, and sometimes causing harm, especially with older children. This is a good conversation to have. I was going to say an “okay” conversation. It’s not. It’s a vital, it’s an important conversation to have. And why not talk about the role of parents in a God-honoring way? Families that aren’t always exactly what we wish they were. And still celebrating and loving these people in our lives.

Laurie Graham 22:47
If you do make gifts, or write letters to mothers around this time of year, around this holiday, acknowledge and make space for aunts and special friends and women in your life who have meant something to you. Sometimes we assume, we make an assumption that most of these children have functional homes. Most of the children and youth that we’re encountered with have beautiful, wonderful families, and moms who are present or grandmas who are, or at least guardians and aunts who care about them. But I think we need to be very, very careful of that, understanding that most abuse and neglect is not talked about outside the home. Many times when churches experience someone in their church kind of being exposed as an abusive parent, or even someone who is involved in sexual abuse, please understand these things by and large, everyone is shocked by, “I had no idea. I had no idea.”

And so let’s just make space for that, that you do not know what the child in your youth group or the child in your Sunday school went through this morning. You do not know what they went through yesterday. And as we become more trauma-aware, and trauma-sensitive, and trauma-responsive, this is a day to be hyper-vigilant about that. About our words, about what we are putting into the minds and hearts of children, as they are coming in with different mothering experiences and feelings of their own. So yes, we can acknowledge Mother’s Day, we can make gifts, but let’s have those conversations around it that acknowledge, “We know that everyone is not in a great place on Mother’s Day. We know that not everyone has had a great day, even this morning with your mom. You might have yelled at her, she might have yelled at you.” And what do we do with that in light of Jesus?

Laurie Graham 24:45
And the last thing I just want to mention that could be an opportunity depending on your culture and what your church does with outreach or who’s around you right now. But what about around this holiday of Mother’s Day? That we think about an outreach that could be into our community, that could be offering care and acknowledgement of loss and grief and a struggle that surrounds this holiday. Like, do you have a women’s shelter somewhere nearby? Is there an agency that supports teen moms that you could do a diaper drive around? Maybe there’s just a space to feel seen and acknowledge feelings around Mother’s Day.

As I mentioned, if you don’t know about the Blue Christmas service, we will drop a link in the podcast notes here. But could that be translated to be a special service around Mother’s Day and Father’s Day? Like, could you imagine doing a community service for people who are feeling loss or grief around their parents or their parenting? Like, could we not do that? It makes me want to write one and maybe I will. But if you experience sadness, and grief and confusion, or if this podcast has brought up some feelings for you, you are not alone. Let’s do better. And let’s do better together. Let’s create spaces where we can have these conversations, where we can point people toward helpful resources, where we can be that empathetic listening ear and friend.

Laurie Graham 26:20
So if you have gone through this podcast and been kind of like, “Oh my gosh, now I’m feeling sad,” reach out. Reach out to a trusted friend, a counselor. You know, look for those resources around that can provide you with support. As I’ve said before, many of our council conferences, especially the one for spouses of pastors married to the pastor, we often, and I would almost say always, but often, we need to be our own advocates in finding our support and creating our own support systems. Because if you’re the person who would say, “Well, that’s nice for you, because you have a support system,” I want to say I fought for my support system. I pieced it together bit by bit. I looked for it, I searched for it. And you can do the same because you’re not alone. We are all in this together.

Laurie Graham 27:09
Before I go, if you are happening to plan a women’s tea around this time of year, it’s a very popular spring event in a lot of churches. Definitely check out the link in the show notes for our tea party bundle. Last year, we had a couple of women who said, “Oh my gosh, we need to save people time, we can put something together.” So many people in our Facebook community were looking for resources and piecing together here and there all these different pieces and parts from Pinterest and from Google. So what they did is they actually developed three completely different Tea Party themes. So there’s a theme you’re going to love. It has beautiful graphics in it. You know, everything goes with the theme, the activity and the devotion. It’s all put together for you. So again, their goal was to save you time and energy, and I think they did a great job. So check it out in the show notes if you’re looking for a resource for a women’s tea as well.

Laurie Graham 27:59
But wow, this was an episode. There’s a lot in here. I highly suggest as always that you share this episode so you can talk about the concepts that are here. You don’t have to land in the same place. But I do believe there’s good stuff to apply with your upcoming Mother’s Day in your church. So let’s be intentional. Let’s choose what we’re doing. Let’s choose the impact that we’re having. And let’s consider all the people in our audience this year.

All right, talk to you next week. Be a light.