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I’ve said them. You’ve probably said them too.
I look back at some of the things I said and I cringe. I thought I was helping. I was just repeating what I’d heard.
I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. I just didn’t know.
Katie Quigley helped me see some of these differently. She’s a licensed counselor who also goes to a small church. We were talking about church phrases that hurt more than help. The things we say without thinking. The words that land like stones.
Here’s what we came up with.
5 Church Phrases That Hurt More Than Help
1. “Just Surrender It To God”
This one grips me like no other.
I’ve said it. I’ve had it said to me. And every time I hear it now, something in me tightens.
Surrender requires safety. For someone to truly surrender, they need to feel safe. But many people have never really experienced safety. They don’t know what it feels like to be truly safe with someone, with God, with themselves.
So when we tell them to “just surrender,” we’re asking them to do something they may not have the capacity for. And when they can’t, they assume something’s wrong with them. They must not be surrendered enough. They must be holding back.
As Katie explained, surrender isn’t that simple. God created us as complex beings with bodies and minds that need more than a one-word command. There’s a lot wrapped up in surrender. A lot of trust. A lot of safety. A lot of healing that has to happen first.
When we oversimplify it, we skip all of that. And we leave people feeling like they’re not trying hard enough.
2. “Don’t Be Anxious”
I know this one comes straight from Scripture.
Do not be anxious about anything.
Philippians 4:6
I love that verse. I believe it.
But just telling someone “don’t be anxious” doesn’t work. Katie said it with a smile that cut right through me. “Gee, thanks. Now I’m not anxious anymore.”
Telling someone not to be anxious when their nervous system is stuck in fight or flight mode is like telling someone not to sneeze when their allergies are raging.
The verse is true. But the way we use it can shut people down. It can close the conversation. It can make someone feel like their anxiety is a sin instead of a signal that something deeper needs attention.
I’ve done this. Someone comes to me with anxiety that’s been eating them alive. I open Scripture. I point to Philippians 4. I tell them to cast their cares on God. And they leave feeling like their anxiety is a faith problem. Like they’re not trusting God enough.
That’s not what that verse was meant to do. But that’s what it can do when we use it as a quick fix instead of a slow comfort.
3. “That’s Just The Enemy Talking”
This one bothers Katie. She told me she gets bothered when people blame the devil for everything, for every mental health struggle.
Now let me be clear. Katie fully believes in spiritual warfare. So do I. The enemy is real. He does steal, kill, and destroy.
But here’s the problem. When we blame the enemy for every struggle, we miss the opportunity for real healing. We bypass what’s actually happening in the body, in the nervous system, in the brain. And we leave people fighting a spiritual battle when what they really need is someone who understands trauma.
If someone is having panic attacks and we tell them it’s the enemy, they’ll try to pray it away. They’ll declare victory. They’ll rebuke and resist. But when the panic doesn’t stop, they’re left confused. Why isn’t my spiritual warfare working? What’s wrong with me?
Sometimes the enemy is involved. Absolutely. But sometimes it’s a nervous system stuck in survival mode. And treating a nervous system problem like a spiritual warfare problem doesn’t fix it. It just adds more shame to someone already drowning.
4. “Just Pray Harder”
We don’t always say it exactly like that. But we imply it.
When someone is struggling and we keep pointing them back to prayer without addressing what’s actually happening, we’re telling them they’re not praying enough.
Prayer is powerful. I believe that. But prayer isn’t always the only thing needed. When someone’s nervous system is stuck in survival mode, they need more than prayer. They need someone who understands trauma. They need help their body can feel.
Here’s what happens. A person tries prayer and it doesn’t work. So they try harder. Still nothing. Then they start to question their faith. They think, “If prayer worked for everyone else, why not me?”
Katie sees this all the time. People get frustrated when prayer and Scripture don’t work. They either decide they’re not good at faith, or they decide faith doesn’t work. Either way, we lose them.
When we only offer prayer, we’re not failing them. But we might be missing what else they need.
5. “If You Would Truly Trust God”
This is the cousin of “just surrender.” It’s the idea that if you just had enough faith, your struggle would go away.
I’ve called this “Jesus frosting” before. It’s the quick spiritual answer we slap on top of deep pain. And when it doesn’t work, the person left holding it assumes something is wrong with them.
Faith isn’t a switch we flip. It’s not a muscle we flex hard enough and everything gets better. Faith lives in bodies that have been wounded. Faith grows in soil that’s been broken.
When we tell someone their problem is that they need to trust God more, we’re adding shame to pain. We’re telling them that their suffering is their fault. That if they were a better Christian, they wouldn’t be struggling like this.
I’ve seen people walk away from the church because of this. Not because they didn’t believe in God. Because they couldn’t keep hearing that their pain was their own fault.
What All These Church Phrases Have In Common
They oversimplify. They take complex, painful, layered experiences and boil them down to one sentence. And when the one sentence doesn’t work, the person left holding it assumes something is wrong with them.
Katie explained it this way. When someone tries these quick answers and they don’t work, they either add shame onto their own faith or they walk away entirely.
Either way, they’re worse off than before we opened our mouths.
And most of us never know. The people we wound don’t come back and tell us. They just stop coming. Or they stop sharing. Or they leave.
We never connect the dots.
What To Say Instead
So what do we say instead?
Katie said something simple that’s become my goal. “Be a better listener than advice giver.”
That’s it. Not having the right words. Just being present. Just listening. Just sitting in the hard stuff without trying to fix it.
She talked about sitting with someone in the discomfort. Letting them be mad and sad and whatever they’re feeling. Just sitting there with them without judgment. Not trying to bring them back up before they’re ready.
And I’ve started using something I said earlier in this series. “I’m so glad you told me this. I think you need someone with more training than I have and I want to help you find that person.”
That’s not failure. That’s love. That’s doing no harm.
How To Show Up Better For Hurting People
The people who come to us in pain are trusting us with something precious. Their vulnerability. Their story. Their hope that we might actually help.
We owe them more than platitudes. We owe them our presence. We owe them our willingness to sit in discomfort. We owe them the humility to say, “I don’t know” and “Let me help you find someone who does.”
I’m learning to slow down. To listen more. To say less. To stop reaching for the quick answer and start sitting in the hard stuff.
I’m learning that sometimes the most healing thing I can say is nothing at all. Sometimes it’s just “I’m here.” Sometimes it’s just sitting there with them in the pain, not trying to solve it.
I’m not good at this yet. But I’m getting better. One conversation at a time.
If you want to keep learning alongside other small church leaders figuring this out, join us in the Small Church Ministry Facebook group. It’s where we talk about what we’re learning and what we’re still struggling with.
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