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I’ve been in ministry long enough to know something about myself.
When someone sits across from me and shares their pain, my first instinct is to fix it. To offer a solution. To pull out a verse that might help. To say something that will make them feel better.
I want to help. That’s not wrong. But I’ve learned that learning to listen without giving advice is harder than it sounds. Because my mouth wants to jump in before my ears have finished their work.
I learned this from Katie Quigley, a licensed counselor who also goes to a small church. She said something that’s become my goal. “Be a better listener than advice giver.”
That’s harder than it sounds. I’m still learning.
Why Pastors Default To Giving Advice
I’ve thought a lot about why I default to advice giving. I hear a problem and I want to solve it. That’s what I’ve been trained to do.
But here’s what I’ve noticed. When I jump to advice, I’m not really listening. I’m waiting for my turn to talk. I’m formulating what I’m going to say while they’re still talking.
And honestly, I think a lot of us do this because we’re uncomfortable. Sitting with someone in their pain is hard. It’s easier to offer a solution and move on.
I’ve done that. More times than I want to admit. Someone shares something heavy and I’m already reaching for the verse, the solution, the fix. Before they’ve even finished talking.
The Problem With Giving Advice Too Fast
I’ve learned something about giving advice too fast. It takes something away from the person sitting across from me.
When you’re telling someone what to do, you’re taking away their ability to build trust in themselves. That’s a huge part of healing. And then if they go and do that thing and it doesn’t go well, they’re coming back to blame you. If it does go well, they don’t get that sense of fulfillment of “this was something I chose to do.”
I’ve seen this happen. I’ve given advice that didn’t work and had someone come back confused. “You told me to do this. Why didn’t it work?” Or worse, they go along with what I said and never learn to trust their own instincts.
That’s not helping. That’s creating dependency.
Why Listening Means Letting Them Lead
Here’s something I’ve learned. The person sitting across from me knows more about their life than I do. They know what they’ve tried. They know what hasn’t worked. They know what scares them.
When I give advice, I’m acting like I know better. But I don’t. I know a fraction of their story. A fraction of their context.
They’re the expert in the room. My job isn’t to have the answers. My job is to help them find their own.
How To Listen Without Giving Advice
So what does listening without giving advice look like in real time?
I’m learning to let people talk without interrupting. Without planning my response. Without rushing to the solution.
I’ve started doing something small that helps. I count to five in my head before I respond. Just five seconds. That pause keeps me from jumping in too fast. It gives them space to keep going if they want to. And it reminds me that I don’t have to fill every silence.
I’m also learning to go down in the hole with them. Katie talked about this. Just sitting in it. Letting them be mad and sad and whatever they’re feeling. Not trying to pull them out before they’re ready. Just being present in the mess.
That’s hard for me. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. But sometimes the most healing thing I can do is just stay in the hard place with them.
What To Say Instead Of Giving Advice
I’m still figuring this out. But here are some things I’ve been trying.
“I’m here with you.” That tells them they’re not alone.
“That sounds so hard.” That validates their pain without trying to fix it.
“Tell me more about that.” That invites them to go deeper.
“What do you think you need right now?” That puts the power back in their hands.
Not solutions. Not verses. Just presence. Just curiosity.
And sometimes, nothing at all. Sometimes just sitting there. Just being with them in the hard stuff.
One Phrase That Changed How I Listen
There’s one thing I’ve started saying that’s changed how I listen.
“I’m so glad you told me this. I think you need someone with more training than I have, and I want to help you find that person.”
That’s not giving advice. That’s not pretending I have all the answers. It’s just being honest about my limits. And it opens the door for them to get the help they actually need.
I used to think that was failure. Now I think it’s love.
What I’m Still Learning About Listening
I’m not good at this yet. I still catch myself jumping to solutions. I still feel the urge to fix it, to make it better, to say something that will help.
But I’m getting better. One conversation at a time.
I’m learning to slow down. To listen more. To say less. To trust that my presence matters more than my words.
I’m learning that sometimes the most healing thing I can say is nothing at all. Sometimes it’s just “I’m here.” Sometimes it’s just sitting there with them in the pain, not trying to solve it.
That’s not failure. That’s presence. That’s love. That’s doing no harm.
If you want to keep learning alongside other small church leaders figuring this out, join us in the Small Church Ministry Facebook group. It’s where we talk about what we’re learning and what we’re still struggling with.
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