030: How To Build Widespread Support for Stronger Child Safety in Your Small Church

Episode 030: How To Build Widespread Support for Stronger Child Safety in Your Small Church

Intro 0:01
Hey, this is Laurie Graham. Welcome to The Small Church Ministry Podcast.

Laurie Graham 0:15
Hey, welcome back to podcast episode number 30. I hope your day is going amazing! This episode is actually a follow-up from last week’s, about child safety policy and procedures. So if you’re in children’s ministry, and you haven’t heard Episode 29 yet, you might want to back up and listen to that one first. Last week, we talked about five key elements that are really crucial to basic best practices within children’s ministry even in, and sometimes especially, in small churches. We talked about screening and training volunteers, adequate and safe supervision, registration, consent, check-in/ check-out policies, bathroom trips and diapering, and also limited access to children’s areas. 

Now today, we’re gonna talk about how to make the changes that you know need to happen, and what to do when objections come up. Like, people in small churches don’t always want change. Have you ever experienced that? Like, maybe people don’t see the need for higher safety standards in your small church, or maybe they simply like the way we’ve always been doing it, or maybe they think it’s overkill, or there’s no need to follow the world standard because this is the church, right, and this needs to be a safe and friendly place. But regardless why you might face objections, if you try to up the safety standards in your children’s area, this happens a lot. Whether it’s as simple as having volunteers wear name tags faithfully, when you’ve never worn colored name tags before, or enforcing background checks for everybody who steps up in the children’s area, maybe even including your pastor.

So watch out, because maybe your leadership wants to change the diaper policy, and there’s gonna be a big backlash for that. But regardless of what changes you’re attempting to make, or maybe you’ve made changes, and no one’s happy already, I’m gonna give you some tips to help more people get on board, and maybe even turn this into a celebration instead of such a struggle. Because honestly, that’s what it should be. A celebration of helping everybody who walks in your space, grow in their trust of your church, in the excellence with which you run your children’s ministry area, and the intentional care that just oozes out of everybody who serves here. 

Laurie Graham 2:31
So here’s the thing, the safety standards and policies don’t exist to make your current volunteers feel happy. That’s not why we’re doing it. We’re talking about making changes to increase the comfort and happiness and satisfaction, not of people who’ve already been there, but of visitors, of guests, of people who maybe haven’t been super satisfied in the past. Now, although we’re not making changes to make your volunteers happy, we are called to love and serve these people who have been serving faithfully. So, we’re going to talk about ways to honor them and involve them, instead of just imposing something on them. We’re increasing our level of care, of purposeful, intentional care and when we do this, the results are increasing our level of trust with visitors as well as current families, and we’re also increasing the level of safety and protection for the kids. Yes, for sure, and also for our volunteers, our team, and our church as well. 

So here’s a simple story, though, if you’re still on the fence about increasing safety standards. So if you’re in a small church like me, maybe something like this has happened to you. A visiting family walks in with a baby and you’re like, uh oh, we haven’t had babies in a while, and we haven’t established the nursery. Our eyes all of a sudden get all wide and we try to explain, you know, oh, we’re going to find somebody. Yeah, this room looks empty, but we’ll get somebody. The pastor’s wife grabs her daughter to go see if Audrey can cover the nursery. The visiting mom kind of looks around and everybody seems friendly enough. Maybe, or maybe this visiting family doesn’t leave their child in the nursery, and they may not have had a terrible impression. Like, they know we’re sweet and small and friendly. However, I want to just tell you, they’re also not so sure of the standard of care, and this is a lot different than the last church they visited. 

Now, scenario number two, this visiting family walks in with a baby. Uh oh, we haven’t had babies in a while. It’s the same thing, right? It’s not like we’re going to staff a nursery if there’s no babies in the church. But what about this? What if instead of trying to scramble to meet this need, we welcome this family and start building a relationship, and we hand the family our children’s ministry handbook and let them know our incredible care and standards? And we let them know that we haven’t had an infant for a few months, but we do have someone who is trained and on call, if they would like to leave their child in the nursery. So do you see the difference? 

Laurie Graham 5:12
Or maybe this has happened to you. Maybe there’s a newer person in your church, and they are all excited and want to serve with the kids, and they seem good enough with the kids. Now, you’re not totally comfortable, cause you don’t really know them, but you don’t necessarily have a reason why, you know, they, they should be treated differently than other people because you’ve got adults walking back and forth there all the time. You don’t necessarily have a training procedure or standards. So, if they see other people going back and forth into the children’s area with no name tags and no training, why wouldn’t they? Or maybe you have a mom who’s blamed your nursery or a teacher, for a child’s diaper rash or a bump on their head or questioning that your teenager is responsible enough to be back there, and you know, they are. But all this misunderstanding and the hurt feelings that sometimes result can be prevented, and that’s what we’re talking about when we’re talking about just raising the safety standards in your small church. It’s about clear communication and being wise. 

So let’s do this thing. Let’s set up our kid’s ministry, not just in a way that shows that we care and we love kids, but that we know what we’re doing and we’re doing it well. So I’m thinking if you turned into part two about children’s safety, then you’re probably already on board with putting some better practices in place in your church. And as I’ve mentioned, if you’re like most small churches, you probably are anticipating some resistance, some churches more than others, and maybe you’re already experiencing it, and that’s what I want to talk about. Because unity in a small church is so important because we are in each other’s space all the time, and when we’re not used to enforcing rules too much because we’re family, or maybe there are a bunch of rules but there’s also a bunch of exceptions, right? Like, the pastor’s kids pretty much do what they want because they basically live at the church and they’re so familiar, and we send them to grab things and to go get this and that.

And maybe the ministry leaders themselves don’t follow the rules with their own kids, because well, the worship team has to practice and the kids are unsupervised cause there’s no Sunday school like before during that time, or maybe the adult Sunday school teachers don’t pick up their kids when they’re supposed to because they’re busy talking to other adults, or our favorite grandfather figure loves to give piggyback rides and certain kids always run in the hallway. Maybe the deaconess doesn’t feel the need to attend the nursery training because well, she’s a grandmother of eight and she’s done this a long time, or the pastor’s wife doesn’t think she needs a background check, because well, she’s married to the pastor. Do you kind of get the drift? You may even have a written handbook, or gotten standards approved by the leadership board, and people might still be rolling their eyes and not following the new guidelines.

Laurie Graham 8:10
So are we supposed to interrupt the worship leader to change his child’s own diaper? Or when Susie brings a visiting neighbor child, do we turn them away because they don’t have a consent form signed? And I’m going to say, yeah. Yeah, the pastor shouldn’t be walking in the kid’s area unless he or she has a background check, and Timmy doesn’t get released to go find his parents because they’re serving in another ministry area, so he can just run around and find him by himself. And you probably should close the nursery if you have no one available who’s been through the training. 

So, there’s a lot of reasons for resistance. Let’s talk about that. When people don’t want rules or don’t want to follow rules or standards, it usually comes down to three things. One, they don’t understand why these rules are in place, or what the need is. Two, they don’t care about the need, and they’re just not going to comply. Or maybe they do understand and they do care a lot, but they simply don’t agree with how you’re going about meeting this need. So, they either don’t understand why these rules are there, or they don’t care about the need for them, or they just don’t agree with how you’re going about it. 

So let’s say there’s a need for safety in your church, and we want to increase our level of care. I’m going to tell you, most people do not resist because they don’t think it’s a need to keep kids safe. That’s not usually what it is. There’s so much more under there. We are committed to keeping kids safe, to keeping volunteers protected from accusation or harm, and also we want volunteers serving and happy serving for the long haul. And we also want to increase trust, not just with people who are in the ministry but people who come in and visit, and at the same time, we’re looking at these awesome goals of, you know, keeping kids safe and volunteers protected, and the church having a reputation of just excellence. And the resistance we’re meeting sounds a little like this. We like the way we do it now.

This is unnecessary. We don’t want change. We’ve always done it this way. We’re a church, not a school. We don’t need to do things like the world does. And yes, I agree with that. I don’t think we need to do things like the world does. I think we should do better. And again, most resistance is not coming from a place of not wanting to protect kids or keep them safe, or not wanting to protect the church from lawsuits, or not wanting to add stress or unsafe situations to the volunteers, because most people will agree, yes, we want those things, and that’s what we need to focus on.

Laurie Graham 10:50
However, even though we all want those things, a lot of people think we’re already doing a good job of protecting kids, serving the volunteers, and keeping the church from lawsuits. However, the reason for this false belief, right, is we know what we know and we’ve never seen anything different. Now, this is how we’ve always done it and it’s always been fine. Which is not usually 100% true, because the people who aren’t satisfied or are upset are the ones who don’t stay or don’t serve, or don’t support the ministry area. 

So if we all want the same things to keep kids safe, keep volunteers is having the best experience possible and building trust and reputation of our church, how do we get everybody on the same page for a change? Now, although we can’t make people get on the same page, we can do a much better job, and I’m going to walk through some steps of how. Unfortunately, the typical way we change things in a lot of small churches is completely the opposite of what I’m going to go through. Because the typical way things change is from a tiny little center, where someone or just a few people make some decisions, and then enforce it. Like, look at the word enforce. It has like this word force in it, right? So, if a small group of people, a team, one person, you know, two people in ministry, and pastors see this happen when they just decide to do something and enforce it, it’s a really big mistake. Now, why is this? Because no one, including myself, likes to be acted upon or controlled or forced. It kind of started when I was a toddler, how about you? and it still continues to this age. It is so much easier to walk people through change if they actually want change and understand it. 

So instead of trying to convince people to change or to embrace these new standards, here’s how to walk through some great steps so everybody’s on the same page from the beginning, from the exploration, from the development of these things into enforcing it. Instead of finding a sample policy book online and just importing it, adapting it, and enforcing it upon your church, this is what I’m suggesting. 

Laurie Graham 13:07
So here’s where we start. Start with conversation. Just start conversations about the facility, about fears, about recommended standards in Canada, about background checks. And again, instead of trying to convince people just start conversations. Observe and listen and ask questions. Chances are, if you haven’t had standards before, it’s been a while, and this isn’t something that’s going to happen well overnight. There is a process and starting these conversations is the best place to start. You might put together a focus group, I love these by the way, but I would also widen the conversation beyond a focus group to parents, older teens, former Sunday school teachers, grandparents, even visiting families. 

You can say things like we’re in a process of determining how to do a better job with our children’s ministry, what’s important to you? And I’ll just toss this out to you, for those of you who are really trying to reach your community, survey your community, not with a hook of saying, hey, come to our church, but just say, “Hey, we’re from this church and we are just wondering what’s important to you.” You know, at a moms group or whatever, just a survey. Don’t give them a card that says “Come visit us” like, make sure there’s no manipulation involved, but go talk to moms and dads out there in your community and ask what’s important to them! Involve leadership in these conversations, don’t just do it as the Sunday school teacher or the children’s ministry team. You’re gonna want your elders, and deacons, and core families, and pastors, and ministry staff involved in this conversation! If you want their support, I would involve them. 

So after you’ve had some conversations, the second thing, I’ll say, is I really encourage you to expand the conversation to involve experts like teachers, people in the medical profession, EMTs, people who are involved in safety, law enforcement, what they think the best practices would be in your small church. Thirdly, check the law. Please don’t skip this! So many churches are completely unaware of their own insurance policies sometimes, like the church insurance. There’s actually a lot in there for many, many churches. The law in your city in your state in your province. Look at what is recommended and what is required. 

Laurie Graham 15:30
Fourthly, do some trainings with a broad group of people in your church, like anyone who’s, who’s willing, and try to get them there! And do some trainings with outside experts. They could be video trainings from your local governments, often have them. Organizations that promote child safety, volunteer safety, church legalities, abuse, and invite others to come. Not just your one nursery worker, but parents and church leaders, like keep this net, like, like cast the net wide. And keep in mind, this could be in the research phase. I’m not saying train the volunteers you have. I’m saying this could be part of the research! Listen to some trainings. Do some exploration. Continue these conversations. 

I will never forget the first video training I watched when I was a young youth director, that I watched about child safety. I had no idea how much abuse happened in churches, in families that was never reported. How many churches lost everything. How many volunteers and ministry staffs were defenseless in the face of even unjust accusation. People losing their careers when abuse did not happen. And then how much abuse that actually happens is never reported. And I’m not even just talking about abuse. There’s training and safety standards from organizations about tripping hazards, and rugs, and choking hazards, and old cribs, and rocking chairs, just training volunteers is a huge thing to research. 

Okay, fifth up, as you’re talking and starting these conversations, and looking into trainings, and doing some research, this is one thing that a lot of people miss. Become the best listener as you’re talking to people. It’s very easy to get into a place where you’re you or me or whoever is actually trying to manipulate people, like bring them along to your side like, hey, this is what it is, and watch this and listen to this, and almost where you know the end of the conversation before you have it. Try not to do that. Don’t disregard your faithful servant, who doesn’t want to be put under the scrutiny of a background check.

Laurie Graham 17:40
Now hear me, I’m not saying that you won’t enforce them, but listen to her heart first. Because most likely, many people who react to background checks, feel like they’re not trusted, or sometimes they just hate that the world has gotten to this place that it would even be necessary. So listen well, and as you talk to people who may have objections or cautions or they don’t like this direction, grow in empathy and start to understand and be curious about why, because most people who are resistant to change really do have a reason to be resistant. Many feel unappreciated, unimportant, unneeded, and you know what happens when you involve them and listen to them? There is a much better chance that they will start going in the same direction with you because they feel needed and loved and important. And they are! 

Alright, sixth up. Involve lots of people in actually creating the standards. So, let’s say you’ve been having conversations, you’ve brought in experts, you’ve researched some trainings, you’ve listened to people, had lots of conversation. Now, involve people in helping to create the standards. Don’t just grab a copy of one you find on the internet, although I do believe it’s a really great place to start, but create it and change the wording and make it fit your church family, like the voice that your church has! Put together a draft with a group of people and then another draft and ask people what they think. And always, always, always keep the ‘why’ at the forefront. Because the more you can point people toward the fact that this is about keeping kids safe, keeping volunteers protected, and building the reputation of your church, it changes everything. 

In addition to creating the standards like, start with the five key areas that I talked about in Podcast Episode 29. Screening and training volunteers, adequate and safe supervision, the registration and consent, the bathroom trips and diapering, limited access to children’s areas. That’s a great place to start, but it’s not, t’s not the whole of it. So you’ll want to do a little more work and a little more exploration. 

Laurie Graham19:51
And seventh up which is my absolute favorite step if at all, celebrate all you are doing! If you do background checks, have a party! Have a party to celebrate. Maybe you can have a campaign where your entire church is approved to work with children. That is something to celebrate! Maybe it’s 20 people have completed a training on child development, celebrate, because as you celebrate this publicly, so that your church knows, it elevates the ministry! Like, literally throw a party when new levels are reached. You can even certify, have your own certification for your child workers. You can have like a master level or an apprentice level or a master ninja, right.

Just something that says this is a senior level training and maybe you’re a senior level, you know, you’re trained volunteers have a different color nametag even! Now, this isn’t just about making them feel good, you’re actually elevating the standards of your ministry. And it, it will just change so much, because great communication goes a long way! And again, keep in mind while you’re doing this. You want more volunteers in your kid’s ministry. You want, not to only have one person in a nursery, and when that person is ill, there’s nobody there. Do you want visiting parents to trust you with their children? How about this, how about just helping kids to behave better, because the standards are enforced? Less running in the hallways, more consistency in general! 

I’m telling you that all these safety standards are going to help, because the number one struggle reported by most small churches is not enough volunteers, not enough committed volunteers. Doing everything yourself, and if you’ve listened to any of my episodes about volunteers or been on the website at all, you will have more volunteers if you elevate the ministry, if you run it with more purpose, if you show how important it is and why. Because we don’t need another warm body in the nursery or somebody to keep the kids in their seats in Sunday school. What we need is more ambassadors who set the standard of loving, and protecting, and guiding, and building trust with families and serving for the long haul. Wouldn’t that just be amazing? 

Laurie Graham 22:17
So let’s say you did the seven things. You had the conversations and the trainings, I realized this doesn’t always work like happy rainbow land, right? So let’s say you do all these amazing things, and you’re excited, and you’ve done it all right, and somebody is still not on board. Your favorite Sunday school teacher refuses a background check. This is my advice. As lovingly as you can, release them. Hopefully, if you need to release them, you’ll do so with the support and blessing of your leadership and your pastor, and you need that. Any guidelines that you set and agree upon and hopefully published and a handbook, they absolutely need to be consistent across the board. Now, we all know emergencies happen and unexpected things come up, but a volunteer refusing to have a background check, that’s not an unexpected thing. An unexpected thing might be when a second teacher is ill, and to still hold up your standards, you combine a class with another teacher or you find another approved volunteer, or you may close the room, because standards aren’t suggestions. 

As a visiting parent, you don’t build trust with them because you try to do things or you suggest your volunteers follow this. Building trust in a ministry is all about following the guidelines you set intentionally, on purpose. That’s one of the reasons I suggest that you go slow, and you have conversations and you bring people on board, because if these are big changes for your church, you need a foundation of support, not just somebody saying, “Yeah, that looks good. I approve it.” Because what happens then, when there is a conflict or there’s a, you know, a core member of your church who’s upset? Just having somebody rubber stamp the ministry standard policy is not what you need. You need a foundation of support so that you know you’re not just swimming upstream alone. 

And honestly, if you do this well, with more people on board, you’re actually changing the flow of that stream that you felt like you were swimming upstream alone in. Because instead of all that stream water just going in the path of least resistance, like a swamp, where everybody just does whatever they want, standards are different across the board, there’s exceptions here and there, and there really is nothing enforced that you could point to. Instead of that, you’re going to be carving a groove toward a more intentional ministry that’s actually going to result in the fruit that you are hoping to produce. Instead of one person convincing and pushing and insisting on policies, you’ll have a majority, not just understanding the need, but agreeing on the direction and the strategies that are going to work well in your small church! Not just to keep those kiddos safe, but, again, to build trust and respect of this ministry that you’re involved in, and strategies that aren’t just doable but are celebrated. 

Laurie Graham 25:24
Stepping up the safety standards in your small church does not have to be a struggle. By involving other people, a lot of people, by listening well, having conversations pointing to experts and working as a team, you can watch this process go from struggle to celebration! Taking why steps to move forward with purpose will go a long way in protecting the kids in your care, and keeping your volunteers serving more joyfully and with more confidence, and also in growing a reputation of excellence in your community.

Now, as we wrap up Podcast Episode 30, we are underway in planning our first-ever Worship and Tech Conference for Small Churches. It is going to be amazing, and it’s happening on October 22, this year, 2022. We are so excited to talk about small church tech solutions, engaging online friends who haven’t come back yet, worship leading when you’re short musicians, blending traditional and contemporary worship without worship wars or conflict, and so much more! If you are involved in the worship or tech at your church, please save the date, October 22, 2022. And if you’re not, would you let others who are, just know about this conference? Small church ministry isn’t less, but it is different. And to my knowledge, this is the first-ever worship and tech conference that’s been dedicated to small church ministry, because we’re doing things that no one has ever done before. We’ll be talking about smaller budgets and smaller or even no teams. In case you’re listening to this episode after October 2022, no worries just go to smallchurchsummits.com so you can see the dates to our upcoming conference.

Each conference brings more excitement and more testimonies from people in small church, people who don’t feel alone anymore, finding solutions, specific solutions, to small churches, connecting with other amazing leaders and volunteers in small churches all over the globe! If you haven’t found us on Facebook yet, come join us in Creative Solutions for Small Churches. The link is in the show notes, and if you have a few seconds, please leave some stars and a review for this podcast! Your ratings help more people in small churches find us, from big cities to villages, small towns to suburban, there’s more small churches than you can imagine and God is shining his light all over the world and you are part of it! So we’ll talk again soon. Until next week. Be a Light!