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The Church is God’s design for His people, but it can also be a messed up place. It’s no secret that many seek out large churches for the chance to be anonymous, which is the choice to be surrounded by community and yet removed from it. In small churches though, there’s no hiding. I believe this is God’s plan, to be seen and to be in community. However, what happens when that community is full of faulty humans? When it’s not a safe place? When people are hurt and have left the church? In fact, why in the world would the Almighty God choose to be represented by a community of messed-up people?
I want to go over how this imperfectly plays out. What do we do when the church fails us or when we fail the church? I’ve had plenty of reasons to leave the church, and I’m sure you do too. If you’re reading to see our typical, awesome small church strategies and creative ideas, you have my blessing to skip this post and choose another! This post is less about the doing and more about the imperfect humans being utilized in the process. Keep reading if:
- You’re curious about what happened when a very active pastor’s wife stopped going to church
- You don’t understand how people who once loved the church, leave and never come back
- You’re carrying around some church hurt of your own and you don’t know what to do
- You want to know how to better support others who are struggling
We Are All Human
My name is Laurie, and I’m a human. Every church is full of humans. We are all imperfect, and it shows. We’re also striving to be more like Jesus, and I think that shows to those who care to see it. The thing about being human is, it has real beauty and it has major limitations. Understandably, we like to highlight the beauty we possess, our strengths and talents, when we’re being our best selves, but that’s not all we are. Maybe if we began personal introductions by acknowledging our humanity, it might cut down on our pride as well as others’ expectations, even in the church.
This post is about my own humanity, about reaching the end of my capacity. It’s also about my view of church and the hurt in the church, and it’s just the beginning. I’m going to let you into some deep parts of my story, but before you think that this post is only about my story, it’s not, or at least it doesn’t have to be.
I don’t believe that any of our stories stand alone. I don’t think that what I’ve gone through, what I feel, or what I’m learning is only about me or for me. I believe our human stories impact each other, near and far. What you’re going through, how you’re feeling, where you’re growing, and where you feel stuck has a great impact on others.
A Little Backstory
I grew up in my early years, as a Catholic, and then began church hopping into a lot of denominations as my parents explored their faith. I decided to follow Jesus when I was in 6th grade. I was active in youth group throughout junior and senior high. I found the church, and Jesus, to be a place where I was accepted and loved. A place where I saw people with more joy and purpose than any people I had seen before. I also found church to be a place where I was significant, a place where people saw me, and a place where I could serve and use my gifts to make a difference.
I was 22 when I had my first experience of meeting God in silence and solitude. I graduated from college and trekked a few states west from Ohio to Minnesota, to participate in an intensive youth ministry training program. One week included a brown bag lunch and a day of silence and solitude at a retreat center. Frozen snow crunched underfoot as I crossed the campus to my chosen hermitage for the day. I fell in love with quiet. I met God in a new way there. I never thought this sweet time would fade into a memory, or how it would morph and change.
As memories are fantastic liars, I realized my romanticized recollection of meeting Jesus by the river may be exaggerated, and yet, three decades later, I wonder how I got so far away from the river. It would be easy to blame the church, the demands of ministry, and the meanness of others. There’s a lot to blame. However, I’m choosing a different ending to this story, and I know it has to do with the river.
A Very Significant Day
November 7, 2021, not even a year before the recording of this episode. I’ve been serving in full-time ministry for 30 years. I’m highly responsible, and dependable in almost every ministry area possible. I’ve seen conflict, and I’ve seen huge successes. On November 7, 2021, I began leading our Sunday morning women’s group as if it was any other day, or almost. Just a few hours earlier, I woke up to a scathing private message on Facebook.
Thank God I missed the audio call that rang in at 2:55 A.M. A former friend who had left the church over 6 years ago was reaching out, and here’s how her message began, “Your church wants to know how it damaged people. You and your church have done nothing BUT damage people.” Along with a few other deep, personal jabs, the message was mean, dripping with accusations and blame. My heart immediately started thumping like it wanted to jump out of my body. My shoulders tensed. I cried. I processed. I prayed. Then, empowered with what I can only credit as supernatural inspiration and intervention, I responded with compassion and kindness.
There was truth in what she said. I had done damage, but that isn’t the whole of me. I cause hurt, but I also contribute to healing. My humanness is intertwined with the divine. Compassion and mercy intertwined with defensiveness and self-preservation. Created in His image, I sin, but I also saint. In fact, I can stand with Paul in declaring, “I am the worst of sinners. I am also dearly loved.”
I Did Not Pull Myself Together
This wasn’t the first time I had been accused, dumped on, attacked, or unfairly treated. I’ve been the receiver and the giver of this, and I know you have too. A few hours later, I thought I was okay. I was a little shaken, but I was okay. I was pretty proud of how I worked through some really tough stuff. I arrived at church to teach my small group. Five minutes into leading a discussion about our study, I burst into tears! I lost it. Big emotion, mid-sentence, out of nowhere.
As my friends looked at me in shock and confusion, I quickly excused myself to the closest restroom. Looking in the mirror, I forced myself to take a slow, deep breath. One more. Splash of cold water. I was thinking, What just happened? I need to get it together and go lead this group. You’ll be okay. Then, just as suddenly as I had burst into tears, a mental switch flipped. Immediately, my thoughts stopped racing and the confusion cleared. Clearly, I was not okay. Right then and there, in the church bathroom, I decided not to pull myself together.
I walked back into the Sunday school room, asked someone to take over, gathered my belongings, and left. I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, but November 7th was a day of decision. I knew something had to change.
The Toll It Took
I didn’t leave the church immediately. I tried to go back a few times, and I had a few panic attacks. I was in the middle of a worship song and my heart started thumping outside my body, and the only thing I can begin to express is that I just wanted to run, to get away. I tried taking my journal outside in the parking lot, but it wasn’t enough. I had to leave.
Another time, I walked into church and the same panic hit. I didn’t even make it to my seat to sit down. I had to leave. One day, someone tapped me on my shoulder and said, “Hey can we talk for a minute?” That’s all it took, my heart started racing again.
After a few weeks of this, I decided to quit trying to suck it up, because I was clearly unable to do so anymore. You might be wondering, what happened to me? Who did what, that left me so broken? I need to tell you, that nothing happened to me that isn’t common to all of us, and my story has a lot to do with you too.
As a person in the church and involved in ministry, as sad as it is, I was used to getting accused and blamed. It’s all very human. As sad as it is, that Facebook message and the ensuing conversation weren’t the worst I had ever heard or processed. I’ve had people in the middle of the night, banging on the door, demanding a resolution to a decision they disagreed with.
Something New Was Happening In Me
Here’s the thing about being hurt by the church. The church is full of people who are both good and bad, myself included. The church isn’t a static institution, it’s a bunch of people. The church is God’s plan for love and healing and walking the journey, and going through tough human stuff. I want to express the fact that nothing new happened at my church. What was new, was happening in me. It was a new level of processing. Something was unearthed, and that something needed to be addressed.
I ended up taking about 6 months off of church. I didn’t leave my church because of something someone else did. I took a break because of something that was happening inside of me. A few people reached out to ask if it was their fault. People wanted to fix whatever it was. The elders publicly apologized to me and my children for leaving us unsupported and for not protecting us from some things that happened a few years back.
After this big apology, several people were so confused as to why that didn’t make it better. You see, it didn’t fix anything, because that’s not why I left the church. I didn’t leave the church because I was wronged. I left the church because I needed space to sit with what was happening to me.
When you’re in fight or fight, there’s no way to think or process. So, to process, figure this out, and heal, I needed to take myself out of that place. Please understand, that it wasn’t the place, it was me.
5 Steps I Learned Along The Way
There’s a process to emotional health. There are very clear steps. I had always considered myself emotionally aware, but I was missing a few things. These steps have been named different things by different authors and experts, but the ones I’m going to list come out of a Hope Restored Marriage Intensive that I participated in with my husband a while back. They all begin with ‘A’, which means they’re fairly easy to remember and revisit!
I want to quickly walk you through them and share where I got stuck, the steps I skipped for most of my life, and how they helped me heal. My hope is that they will serve you well, and that maybe you’ll see a place you could invite God into too!
1. Awareness
Awareness goes deeper than simply realizing that you’re angry, upset, or wounded. Awareness is noticing you’re emotions. It’s expanding your vocabulary beyond mad, sad, and hurt. It’s noticing where emotion shows up in your body, checking in often, being your own observer, and realizing how feeling vulnerable is light-years different than feeling insecure. Noticing how your body feels emotion can help you become more clear on what’s happening in the moment.
2. Acceptance
Acceptance isn’t just saying “Okay, I’m sad.” Acceptance is going beyond knowing what you’re feeling, but also making it matter. It’s not just that I’m angry, it’s accepting that my anger matters and that it needs and deserves my attention. It’s acknowledging that I deserve my attention, rather than shoving it under the rug, bucking up, and getting over it.
This step was a big missing piece for most of my life. I was aware of my emotions, yes, but I shoved them under the rug to care for others around me. Yes, I knew I mattered, but to me, my emotions were a bother. They got in the way of progress and helping other people. However, this is changing for me.
3. Asking / Inviting
This is the step where we need help and where I invited God in to help. I surrender my ability to process and do it alone, and not just to God, but to others too. Others who can be with me, offer empathy and wisdom. However, I will say that your best friend may or may not be this person because, often, the ones closest to you might be the ones saying that you got this or that you need to get it together. So, a counselor might be the best option.
4. Attending
Attending has become my favorite part of the process. This is when we become detectives, ask questions, and reflect. Ask questions like, “Where is this coming from?”, “Have I been here before?”, “Why is this affecting me like this?”, and “Why is that my response?” The vast majority of the time, it’s not a new wound, and we’re not actually reacting to a present situation.
Often, it’s a pile-up of the past, it’s a wound that hasn’t fully healed, and someone just ripped it open by bumping into it. The shift that happened for me here was in the way of attending. I have always asked myself questions like, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Why did I fail again?”, “How can I do better?”, but there was always judgment against myself. I was good at berating myself and highlighting my failures. These new questions were different. There’s no judgment or blame.
5. Acting
If you’re a doer, don’t get too excited here. This acting might be a little different than you are imagining. The act statement is less about what I’m going to do for people, and more about how I act on what I’m noticing. It’s about caring for myself, my heart, and my growth. It’s caring about who I want to be and how I want to show up. This all starts in the quiet of my own heart because that’s where it flows from. So, how do I care for myself in this moment or season in order to show up as the person I want to be?
My Process After I Left The Church
These steps were my process during my time away from church, over and over and over again. To process well, I needed to be in a safe space. For me, I needed to be away from my church and most of the people there. Please understand, that it wasn’t because they were unsafe. This was about my emotions, my wounds, and my lack of attending to myself and my heart for many years of ministry.
Some of the wounds even went back to being an overly-responsible child. I needed to put that in because you may also be overly responsible. It’s the truth of many who end up leading in small churches. We feel responsible for many things outside of ourselves, and there’s beauty in that. However, if it comes at the expense of leaving our souls in the dust, trampled and beaten, it’s not so beautiful.
I do know, that no matter what is going on around me, I’m only a victim of my own choices. Who I am is my responibility. I’m not saying that we don’t face injustice. We may be abandoned, attacked, and unfairly treated. We have all been sinned against. However, our external circumstances are not who we are.
We All Have A Choice
We have all been hurt. Yes, we’ve been hurt by people in the church, but we’ve also been hurt by neighbors, colleagues, and even people we don’t know. Why are we so shocked when we’re hurt by people in the church? We are all so incredibly human full of good and bad, beauty and ugly.
No matter where or when you’re hurt, you have a choice. You can leave the situation and carry the hurt with you. You can remain bitter and damaged, and focus on it. You can even make it your life’s mission to close off yourself so that no one can hurt you like that again. You can choose to hold onto past injustices and live your future life in the shadow of the past. You can also choose to start over. You don’t need to go back. You can heal from a place and go somewhere else.
I didn’t choose that. I chose to dig deep and move forward, and I’ve slowly found my way back to church.
Why I Chose To Go Back To Church
I didn’t go back to church because it was a warm, fuzzy, happy place for me, although I love the people deeply. I didn’t go back because I was feeling fed there or because people “get me”. I went back to church because I truly believe, in the depths of my soul, that God designed people to be with people, failed and all. I believe that God set up this thing called His church and that there is beauty and growth in working through the difficult stuff. I believe I’m better for being back in the church community, and I believe they are better for my being there, weaknesses and failings included.
Does that mean that everyone should stay in their church, come hell or high water? Of course not! Sometimes, it’s a dangerous and damaging place, not because of the church, but because of some messed up individuals who aren’t working toward wholeness, Jesus, or healing. However, if you have a community that desires to do better and to move toward wholeness, no matter how messed up you all are, there’s so much value in working toward what God has for us.
What Happened While I Was Gone?
If any of you are pillars holding up the church, who think that you can’t take a break because the church will fall apart without you, I want to tell you what happened when I left for 6 months. Honestly, nothing much. Ministry went on just fine without me. No one missed what I did too much, which is beautiful. I was shocked by who did reach out. I was so touched and grateful.
The other thing that happened when I left the church, was that I grew up and matured in a new way. At 52 years of age, I’m a new person. Once again, the promise of God, he who started a good work will be faithful to complete it. And, I’m healthier now. Because I’m part of the church, we’re all healthier now! God calls us to be all of the parts of the same body. Therefore, if you’re not truly taking care of yourself then your church body will be a little sick too, and it will get sicker until you do!
Putting Our Energy Where We’ll Have The Most Influence
To the people who are trying to fix everyone else, they aren’t broken, they just aren’t complete yet, and neither are you. It would be so much better for you to put your energy in the one place where you have the most influence, your own heart.
The best way to build the church healthily, is to care for yourself. Yes, extend love to others, be kind, and extend empathy, but remember that you can’t fix them but you can embrace a process like the one I mentioned, and teach it to others as you journey too!
At the first hint of bitterness, please, get help. At the first sign of depression, get help. Your emotions matter. You matter! Truly, for the love of God, don’t just pray about it. You were not meant to walk this life on your own power or ability.
* Update 2024: At the time this blog post was written in 2022, I was in the process of reentering my former church with the full intention of continuing in fellowship there. Sadly, that was not the case. I’m now worshipping and serving at a different local church. I will continue to speak for individual emotional health as well as healthy church leadership structures and systems.
Read More:
3 Types Of Ministry Boundaries
Make Your Sabbath Rest A Priority
How To Rise Above The Storm Of Toxic People – Small Church Ministry