5 Helpful Ways To Start Connecting With The Youth In Church

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Sometimes, it feels like youth ministry is the equivalent of giving a filthy cat a bath. You know they need it. They know, deep down, that they need it. But they’re skittish, human-avoidant by nature, and averse to being submerged. That’s not true of all teenagers of course. But it probably strikes a chord with you or your team of youth leaders who have been having trouble connecting to the youth in church lately.

It’s amazing how, with one student, the conversation can feel so natural, flowy, and fun, you forget sometimes that you’re shooting the breeze with someone half your age. But with another student, it feels like pulling teeth to get them to give you anything more than a shy or disinterested shrug before slinking away. Don’t worry. I have good news! Over the next few minutes, we’re going to discover five ways to start connecting with the youth in church.

The Struggle Of Connecting With The Youth Of The Church

Before we jump in, I want to address a few of the reasons you might be having trouble connecting to the youth in church. Some of these reasons are completely outside of your control. For instance, sometimes you’re just seeing a teenager at their worst on Sunday mornings. Saturday nights are classic stay-up-late nights for students, so it’s entirely possible that the sulking young person in the corner of the church lobby doesn’t actually hate you or your youth group, they just hate that they’re awake. You can’t control that. You can only control how you respond to it.

Other times, the reason you or your church leaders are having trouble connecting to the youth at church is because you don’t present yourself the way you think you do. This becomes more and more difficult as we age. Presenting yourself in an approachable and likable way to students can be tricky, and it matters so much.

If you try to come off as too relatable, it feels to them like you’re trying too hard. If you play it too chill, they’re likely to get self-conscious and think you don’t like them. Not all teenagers are inherently quick to judgment, but it is generally true that teenagers will give someone roughly their age the benefit of the doubt on perceived flaws far quicker than they will someone significantly older.

This is why, as a general gospel lens guiding our five ways to connect with the youth at church, I want to encourage you to be patient and persistent in your pursuit as God has modeled toward us in the gospel of Jesus Christ. God is not a one-and-done God with us. Whether it was our initial salvation or a step He calls us to now, He often shows up again and again over time to invite us into the next step with Him, and we are often slow to perceive Him and His plans rightly. Yet, still, He patiently and persistently pursues us in Christ.

The first time you or another youth leader approaches a student, they may perceive you one way. But when you approach them again two weeks later, their perception is likely to shift a bit. Another week or two, and they’ll begin to round out their view of who you are. So give yourself (and them) a better chance at a healthy youth pastor/student relationship by patiently and persistently pursuing them as God pursues us in Christ.

5 Ways To Start Connecting With The Youth In Church

1. Connect With The Parents

This might be intuitive to you, and it may be a step you’ve already taken. Connecting with the parent is such a helpful way to connect with a teenager. No, it doesn’t make you cooler in their eyes if you’re their mom’s friend, but it does probably make you just a little bit safer. Plus, a parent is able to give you some insight into their child that will provide you an easier pathway toward connecting with them relationally.

So take the time to chat with their parent after church activities. You may discover that their family moved from the same city you grew up in. It might come out that their kid enjoys the same movie series you do. You may just come to find that, just like you, math is NOT their teenager’s strong suit. And when you can approach a teenager with a warm conversational topic like how annoyingly difficult math is, you may just find that they’re a little bit more open to trying out one of your upcoming events.

I’m not solely advocating for you to connect with parents just to milk them for information. Their parent is worth connecting with for many reasons. But if you’re looking to connect to the youth at church, connecting first and foremost with the parent provides a strong foundation. 

2. Catch Fish With Fish

You know this already, but maybe you don’t think about it very often. The way you catch fish…is with other fish. That’s a little weird, isn’t it? But it’s true, and as we all know fishing is a common metaphor Jesus used in His earthly ministry. Teenagers are drawn to other teenagers. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re terrified of each other half the time. But, beneath the social anxiety, teenagers crave a sense of belonging with other teenagers in every environment they frequent in their lives. So, I know this might sound unhelpful, but it’s extraordinarily true: if you’re looking to connect with the youth of your church, connect with the youth of your church. 

Once you connect with Jimmy, you and Jimmy can go talk to Sally. Then you can send Jimmy and Sally to introduce themselves to Jordan. Some have joked that youth ministry is a relational pyramid scheme. My life’s passion being compared to a pyramid scheme makes me itch, but I can’t deny that, at some level, youth ministry is about leveraging the influence of students to influence other students. So, if at all possible, don’t go it alone–you old person you. Catch fish with fish.

3. Show Up In Their World

It’s easy to forget that teenagers have a whole life outside of church. In our zeal to fulfill our role at the church and build a strong youth ministry, we sometimes treat students as though the only thing that could possibly matter in their lives is church. The truth is, sometimes being involved in the life of the church doesn’t matter to a kid nearly as much as it ideally should.

But one way to change that is to show up in the life of a kid outside of church. When we communicate with parents ahead of time and show up to a teenager’s play, baseball game, or Rubix Cube competition, we signal to them that we care about them as a whole person, not just a number at church. 

Is this easy to do? No, we’re all busy. But is it worth it when we can do it? Absolutely. It’s possible you may benefit from a great curriculum that frees up your time and energy so you can devote more time to these kinds of relational activities in youth ministry. I would recommend G Shades, if so. But when you show up at their thing, you may discover that that disinterested teenager who wouldn’t give you the time of day before suddenly expresses all kinds of personality at church with you because you showed up for them and saw them do the thing they love.

4. Give Them A Voice

Easier said than done, but a phenomenal way to connect with the youth at church is to start the conversation by giving them a voice. Sometimes students who seem disinterested are truly disinterested, but sometimes the teens who seem the most disinterested want something to influence, not just attend. Naturally, you can’t take every random teenager who walks into your church and hand over the keys to your youth ministry to them, but this strategy is great to have in your back pocket when you get the sense that a disconnected student loves Jesus, has leadership potential, and/or is highly motivated.

If you want them to attend Wednesday night small groups, ask them what small group topics might make the most sense. Perhaps you have an upcoming event you want them to attend. Ask for their input on the snacks you choose for that event. Some students are more bored than they are truly disinterested, so while you need to use discretion with this, consider connecting to the youth at church by giving them a voice.

5. Don’t Take It Personally

This is incredibly important as a means of connecting with students. Too often, adults write off teenagers because they take a teenager’s attitude or disposition personally. You would probably never do this because you have a huge heart for students and understand their developmental differences. But in case you, like me, are ever tempted to get in your feelings and write a student off because they wrote you off first, let me just encourage you not to take it personally. 

When you can be the adult in the room and lead with kindness, compassion, understanding, and interest even when it’s not being reflected back to you, you create a greater opportunity for that teenager to connect. But if you get standoffish with the fourteen-year-old because the fourteen-year-old was standoffish with you, there’s a slim chance your ministry will be able to get him or her connected the way you want. This is a matter of our own spiritual growth, and I pray that the Holy Spirit works on each of us in this area.

Getting Started

This isn’t everything there is to know about connecting to the youth at church, but it’s my belief that these ideas will at least get you started. Be patient in your pursuit. Connect with parents. Catch fish with fish. Show up in their world. Give them a voice. Don’t take it personally. When you can incorporate these things into your strategy, you and your team will find that connecting with the youth at your church isn’t necessarily so difficult.

No, you won’t catch them all. No, you won’t leave the struggle unscathed (just talk to a cat owner about that sometime). But at the end of the day, you’ll be a light to the teenagers in your church because you’ll ensure that when they show up at church, they’re seen and valued by God’s people the way they’re seen and valued by God. 

Read More:

Incorporating Mental Health Awareness Into Youth Ministry

3 Steps To Embracing The Gaps In Youth Ministry  

6 Important Steps To Build A Strong Youth Ministry Team