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Let me tell you something I’ve learned about myself.
When someone shares something painful with me, my first instinct is to fix it. I want to offer a solution. I want to quote a verse. I want to make them feel better.
I’ve learned that’s not always what people need.
What they often need is someone to just sit with them. To listen. To let them be sad or angry or confused without trying to fix it.
So I’ve been working on that. Learning to listen better. Learning to create safer spaces. Not because I’m a therapist. Because I’m a friend. And I want to be someone people can trust when life gets hard.
Why Our Fix-It Instinct Gets In The Way Of Listening
Here’s the thing. When someone shares something hard, our instinct to fix comes from a good place. We want to help. We want to ease their pain. We want to be useful.
But I’ve learned something over the years. Sometimes fixing isn’t what they need.
What they need is to be heard. To be seen. To know they’re not alone. And when we jump in too quickly with solutions or verses or advice, we can accidentally shut them down. They hear, “You need to get better faster.” Or, “I can’t handle sitting in this with you.”
I’ve done this. I’ve been the one who reached for a verse when someone just needed me to be quiet. I’ve been the one who offered advice when someone just needed me to nod and say, “That sounds so hard.”
Maybe you’ve done it too. It’s not because we don’t care. It’s because we don’t know what else to do. We want to fix it so they don’t have to hurt anymore. But sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is nothing at all. Just sit there. Just listen. Just be present.
A Simple Way To Listen Better In Church
So what does listening better actually look like?
I’ve started trying something simple. Instead of jumping to solutions, I ask questions.
- “What’s that been like for you?”
- “How are you feeling about that?”
- “Tell me more.”
These aren’t therapy techniques. They’re just ways of showing someone I’m interested in their experience, not just in getting them to a better place.
I’ve noticed something when I do this. People keep talking. They go deeper. They tell me things they might not have said if I’d jumped in with advice. And often, by the time they’re done, they’ve figured out what they need. They didn’t need me to solve anything. They just needed a safe place to think out loud.
You can try this too. You don’t need training. You just need to be willing to be present. To be curious. To trust that your presence matters more than your words.
How Curiosity Creates Safer Church Spaces
Here’s what I’ve noticed about groups. The way we respond to vulnerability sets the tone for everyone.
If someone shares something hard and the leader jumps in with advice or judgment, other people learn to keep quiet. They think, “I don’t want to be fixed or judged like that.”
But if we respond with warmth and curiosity, something shifts. People start to trust that it’s safe to be real.
I’ve seen this happen in small groups. One person shares something real. The leader leans in with curiosity. Then another person shares. Then another. Pretty soon, the whole room feels different. It’s not that anyone fixed anything. It’s that people felt safe enough to stop pretending.
That doesn’t happen by accident. It happens when someone sets the tone. And that someone can be you.
Healthy Boundaries For Safer Church Spaces
Sometimes we’re afraid to create safe spaces because we worry they’ll become unsafe. What if someone dominates the conversation? What if someone shares something that’s not appropriate for the group? What if things get messy?
Here’s what I’ve learned. Boundaries aren’t the opposite of safety. They’re part of it.
If you’re leading a group, you have a responsibility to keep it safe for everyone. That doesn’t mean shutting people down. It means gently redirecting when needed.
If someone says something that could shame another person, you can say something like, “That’s interesting. Let’s think about that for a moment.” Or, “I want to make sure we’re all feeling safe here. Let’s pause.”
You’re not being mean. You’re being protective. And that actually helps people trust the space more. They know someone is paying attention. They know someone cares about keeping it safe for everyone.
How One Small Group Created A Safer Space
I’ve been experimenting with this in my own small group. Here’s what I’ve started doing.
I open our time together with a simple question: “What’s something you’re carrying today?”
Not to fix it. Just to name it.
Some weeks people share something heavy. Some weeks they share something small. Some weeks they pass. That’s fine. The point isn’t to make everyone share. It’s to let people know that it’s okay to be real here.
I’ve also learned to pay attention when someone seems off. If someone is quiet or tense, I don’t push. But later I might say, “You seemed a little quiet tonight. I just wanted to let you know I’m here if you want to talk.”
That’s not invasive. It’s caring. And I’ve learned that sometimes people just need to know they’ve been noticed. That someone sees them.
Why Small Churches Can Become Safe Places
In a small church, we have the gift of knowing each other. That can make vulnerability easier, but it can also make it harder when tensions arise. Because we’re not just leaders and volunteers. We’re friends. We’re family. And sometimes that makes things more complicated.
But here’s what I’ve learned. The same principles apply.
Be present. Be curious. Don’t rush to fix. Notice when someone seems off. Create space for people to be real. And when things get messy, don’t panic. Boundaries aren’t the enemy of safety. They’re part of it.
You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to be willing to show up and listen.
The Church’s Potential To Create Safety
I believe our churches can become places where people feel safe to be real. Not because we have all the answers. But because we can learn to sit with people in their pain. To lean into discomfort instead of running from it. To be present when people need us most.
That’s not about becoming therapists. It’s about becoming the kind of person who can be trusted with someone else’s story.
When we listen better, we stop being fixers and start being safe places. And that’s what people actually need. Not perfect answers. Just presence. Just love.
If you want to keep learning alongside other small church leaders navigating these same tensions, join us in the Small Church Ministry Facebook group. It’s where we talk about what we’re learning and what we’re still struggling with.
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