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I remember a church meeting I was in. Everything was fine. We were talking about routine stuff. Then someone said something, and suddenly my whole body tensed up. I felt my face get hot. I wanted to snap back. I thought to myself, “I am not okay. What just happened to me right now?”
I had no idea why.
Later, I figured it out. A comment someone made had brushed up against an old story I carried, something from childhood that I thought I’d dealt with. But I hadn’t. It was still there, and it showed up when I least expected it.
That experience taught me something important. We all bring our own stuff into meetings. Our histories. Our wounds. Our triggers. The stories we’ve been carrying since we were young.
I’ve been learning more about this from Katie Quigley, a licensed mental health counselor who also attends a small church. She’s helped me understand that each of us walks into a meeting with our own narratives, and when someone says something that touches a tender place, we react. Sometimes that reaction is bigger than the moment calls for.
That’s why I’ve been thinking a lot about awareness of reactions in ministry meetings. Because when we’re not aware of what’s happening inside us, we can react in ways that hurt others or shut things down. And most of the time, we don’t even realize it’s happening.
Awareness Of Reactions Starts With Knowing Your Triggers
Here’s the thing. Every single one of us walks into a meeting with our own narratives. The way we see the world. The way we see ourselves. The themes we’ve been carrying since childhood.
Maybe the theme for you is “I’m not good enough.” Maybe it’s “I don’t belong.” Maybe it’s “I have to prove myself.” Whatever it is, it’s there. And when someone says something that pokes at that theme, it triggers you. It activates you. You might shut down. You might get angry. You might want to leave the room.
I’ve seen this happen in myself. That meeting I told you about? I was fine until someone said something that brushed against an old wound. Suddenly I wasn’t in that meeting anymore. I was back in a moment from my childhood, feeling small and unseen. And I almost snapped at someone who had nothing to do with any of it.
Maybe you’ve had that experience too. Someone says something harmless, and suddenly you’re angry or defensive or ready to cry. You don’t know why. You just know something in you is reacting.
That’s a trigger. And we all have them.
How Your Reaction Shapes Ministry Meetings
If you’re a ministry leader, here’s something important to know. Your reaction sets the tone for the whole room.
When you get defensive, people notice. When you shut down, people feel it. They may not say anything, but they feel it. And when one person gets triggered, the whole dynamic can shift.
I’ve seen this happen more times than I want to admit. Someone in a meeting gets activated by a comment. They get sharp or quiet or defensive. And suddenly everyone else is walking on eggshells. The meeting isn’t about the topic anymore. It’s about the tension in the room.
But here’s the good news. When we become aware of our own reactions, we can start to choose a different response. We can pause. We can take a breath. We can get curious instead of defensive.
That shift changes everything.
A Simple Way To Build Awareness Of Your Reactions
So how do you become more aware of your own reactions? It starts with looking inward. Paying attention to your body.
What does tension feel like in your shoulders? What happens to your breathing when you feel criticized? When do you start to shut down? When do you start to get defensive?
I’ve learned to notice my own patterns. For me, when I feel attacked, my first instinct is to withdraw. I go quiet. I stop making eye contact. My body is telling me something, and if I don’t pay attention, I’ll miss it.
So now, when I feel that familiar tightening, I try to pause. I ask myself, “What is it that impacts me? What is it that triggers me?” Just naming it helps.
Try it next time you feel a strong reaction. Just pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself what’s going on. You might be surprised what you learn.
What To Do When Someone Else’s Reaction Feels Big
Here’s another thing I’ve learned. Sometimes it’s not our reaction we need to notice. It’s someone else’s.
When you see someone react strongly to something that seems small, get curious. Instead of thinking, “Why are they overreacting?” ask yourself, “What might be going on for them right now?”
You don’t have to call them out. You don’t have to fix them. You can just pause and acknowledge what’s happening. A simple, “It seems like that landed hard. I’d love to understand more,” can change everything.
That’s not about being a therapist. It’s about being a human who cares. It’s about letting someone know that you see them. That their reaction isn’t too much. That you’re willing to sit with them in whatever is going on.
A Real Example Of Awareness Of Reactions In Action
I was in a small group once where something like this happened. Someone made a comment that wasn’t intended to hurt anyone, but one person in the group got very quiet. You could feel the shift in the room.
The leader noticed. She didn’t push. She didn’t call anyone out. She just said, “I feel like something shifted just now. I want to make sure everyone feels safe here. Does anyone want to say anything?”
That simple question opened the door. The quiet person shared that a comment had touched something painful from their past. And the person who made the comment apologized. The group ended up closer than before.
That’s awareness in action. Someone noticed. Someone created space. And because of that, what could have been a wound became an opportunity for healing.
4 Ways to Practice Awareness of Reactions in Ministry
You don’t need a degree to do this. You just need to be willing to look inward and then look outward.
Here are a few things I’ve been trying.
1. Notice Your Own Triggers
What makes you react? When do you shut down? When do you get defensive? Pay attention.
2. When You Feel A Strong Reaction: Pause
Take a breath. Ask yourself what’s going on. You don’t have to respond right away.
3. When You See Someone Else React Strongly: Get Curious
Not to fix them. Just to understand. A simple, “It seems like that landed hard,” can go a long way.
4. Create Space In Meetings For People To Be Real
Let people know it’s okay to say, “I’m not sure why that landed hard, but I need a moment.”
This isn’t complicated. But it does take practice. And it’s worth doing.
What This Looks Like In A Small Church
In a small church, we often meet in tight spaces. Living rooms. Fellowship halls. Cramped offices. Relationships are close, which means reactions can feel more intense. But it also means we have opportunities to practice this well.
I’ve started doing something small. Before meetings where I know there might be tension, I try to check in with myself. “What am I carrying today? What might trip me up?” Just naming it helps. Sometimes I even give people a heads up. “Hey, this might be a sticky meeting. Just letting you know.”
I also try to pay attention to others. If someone seems unusually quiet or tense, I might say later, “Hey, you seemed a little off during that meeting. I just wanted to check in.”
Not every reaction needs a conversation. But sometimes people are grateful just to be noticed.
Creating Space Where People Can Be Real
The people in our churches are carrying things we can’t see. So are we. When we become aware of our own reactions and learn to notice others’, we start to create something rare: a space where people can be real without fear.
That’s not just good leadership. That’s love.
So next time you’re in a meeting and you feel that familiar tightening, pause. Ask yourself what’s going on. And when you see someone else react, get curious. You might be surprised what happens when you stop trying to control the reaction and start trying to understand it.
If you want to keep learning alongside other small church leaders navigating these same tensions, join us in the Small Church Ministry Facebook group. It’s where we talk about what we’re learning and what we’re still struggling with.
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