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You finally found a counselor. Maybe a friend recommended them. Maybe you found them online. You’ve made the appointment. Now you’re sitting there wondering, “Is this the right person for me?”
I’ve been there. It’s hard to know. And after a bad experience, it’s even harder to trust again.
That’s why I asked Katie Quigley, a licensed mental health counselor who also attends a small church, to help me understand what to look for. She told me something simple that changed how I think about this. Give it three sessions. If you don’t feel a connection by then, it’s okay to move on.
But what exactly should you be looking for? Here are 5 signs a counselor is right for you.
5 Signs A Counselor Is Right For You
1. You Feel Safe Within Three Sessions
The first sign is the most important. You need to feel safe.
Give a counselor three sessions. If you don’t feel a connection by then, move on. Find someone else. That sense of safety has to be there.
That doesn’t mean you have to feel completely comfortable right away. Therapy can be uncomfortable. But you should feel like you can be honest without being judged. You should feel like the person across from you is someone you can trust.
If after three sessions you still feel guarded or uneasy, listen to that. It’s not a failure. It’s information. And you can try someone else.
2. You Can Be Vulnerable Without Judgment
Good therapy requires vulnerability. You have to be able to open up about things you don’t normally talk about.
The right counselor creates a space where that feels possible. You don’t feel like you have to perform or hide. You don’t feel like they’re waiting to correct you.
That sense of safety is a gut feeling. You think, “I can be vulnerable here. I can be open about this.” And when you are open, it’s received with care. That’s a green flag.
If you find yourself holding back because you’re afraid of how they’ll respond, pay attention to that. A good counselor makes it easier to share, not harder.
3. Your Sharing Is Received With Care
This one is huge. When you share something hard, how do they respond?
Do they listen? Do they nod? Do they say something that makes you feel seen? Or do they jump in with advice or try to correct your thinking?
If they immediately go to advice-giving or corrective thinking, that’s a red flag. But the opposite is a green flag. You feel heard. You feel cared for. You feel like what you said landed in a safe place.
That’s what you’re looking for. Not someone who has all the answers, but someone who knows how to sit with you in the hard stuff.
4. You’re Not Getting Advice Or Correction
This one surprised me. Therapists aren’t supposed to give advice.
I know, it sounds strange. But in grad school, they teach you very early that therapists aren’t advice givers. That’s not their role.
So if your counselor is telling you what to do, correcting your thinking, or giving you directives, that’s not therapy. That’s something else.
A good counselor helps you process. They ask questions. They help you discover your own answers. They don’t tell you what to do.
If you walk away feeling like you just got lectured or told how to fix your life, that’s a sign this might not be the right fit.
5. You Walk Away Feeling Better, Not Worse
Therapy isn’t always easy. Sometimes you leave feeling raw or tired. That’s normal. Healing is hard work.
But over time, you should walk away feeling better than when you came in. Not perfect. Not fixed. But lighter. More understanding. More hopeful.
Pay attention to how you feel. Ask yourself, “Do I walk away from this feeling worse than when I walked into it?” If the answer is consistently yes, that’s a red flag.
A good counselor helps you carry the weight, not add to it. You should leave feeling like you’re making progress, even if it’s slow.
Trust Your Gut
Here’s the thing. You have more wisdom inside you than you think.
That sense of safety is a gut feeling. It’s also the Holy Spirit, helping you discern what’s healthy and what’s not.
And don’t let social media fool you. Those three-second reels make therapy look simple, but real healing takes time and a real connection.
If something feels off, pay attention. If you feel worse after every session, listen to that. If you can’t be vulnerable, that matters.
You don’t have to stay with a counselor just because you waited months for the appointment or because someone said they were good. You get to choose what’s right for you. It took me a few tries to find the right fit. That’s normal. Don’t give up.
If you want to keep learning alongside other small church leaders navigating these same questions, join us in the Small Church Ministry Facebook group. It’s where we talk about what we’re learning and what we’re still struggling with.
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