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You’ve been seeing a counselor for a few weeks, but something feels off. You’re not sure if you should stay or go. How do you know if what you’re experiencing are red flags in a counselor or just normal discomfort?
I’ve heard this question so many times from people in our churches. You want the counseling to work. You waited weeks for the appointment. But you leave feeling worse than when you came. Is that normal? Or is it a sign that something is wrong?
Here’s the thing. Therapy can be uncomfortable. Healing is hard work. But there’s a difference between the normal discomfort of facing hard things and the kind of unease that tells you this person isn’t safe or helpful.
I learned what to watch for from Katie Quigley, a licensed mental health counselor who also attends a small church. Not every counselor is the right fit. And sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away.
Here are 4 red flags to watch for in a counselor.
4 Red Flags In A Counselor To Watch For
1. You Still Feel Uneasy After Several Visits
Give it three sessions. If you still feel guarded, tense, or like you can’t relax, that’s a problem.
You don’t need to be best friends with your counselor. You don’t need to agree on everything. But you should feel like the person across from you is someone you can trust with hard things.
If that sense of safety never comes, pay attention. Your nervous system is telling you something. It’s not a failure on your part. It’s information, and it’s okay to try someone else.
What to do: After your third session, take a few minutes to check in with yourself. Do you feel relieved when the session ends? Do you dread going back? Trust those feelings. If the answer is consistently uneasy, start looking for another counselor.
2. They Keep Telling You What To Do
This one surprised me. Therapists aren’t supposed to give advice.
In grad school, they teach you very early that therapists aren’t advice givers. That’s not their role. A good counselor helps you process. They ask questions. They help you discover your own answers. They don’t tell you what to do.
So if your counselor is constantly saying “You should…” or “What you need to do is…” or correcting how you think, that’s a warning sign.
Real therapy looks more like: “What do you think would help?” or “How have you handled something like this before?” or “Let’s explore what’s coming up for you.”
If you walk away feeling like you just got lectured or told how to fix your life, that’s not therapy. That’s something else. And it’s not what you’re paying for.
What to do: Notice the language your counselor uses. If they give directives more than they ask questions, bring it up. Say, “I’ve noticed you often tell me what to do. I’d prefer to explore things together.” If they don’t adjust, it’s time to find someone else.
3. You Leave Feeling Ashamed Of Yourself
Here’s something I learned. Shame is only a 48‑hour motivator. After that, you have to put more shame on it to keep going. That leads to a downward spiral.
If your counselor makes you feel like you’re the problem, or like you should be ashamed of your struggles, that’s a red flag.
A good counselor helps you see your defenses and survival mechanisms as gifts from God, not as failures. You should leave feeling seen, not shamed.
Think about how you feel after a session. Do you feel smaller? Do you feel like you’re broken beyond repair? Or do you feel understood, even if the conversation was hard?
Healing involves facing hard truths. That can be uncomfortable. But shame is different. Shame says, “You are bad.” Healthy conviction says, “You made a mistake, and you can grow.” A good counselor knows the difference.
What to do: Pay attention to your body and emotions after each session. If you consistently feel ashamed, worthless, or like a failure, name it. You can say to your counselor, “I’ve been feeling ashamed after our sessions. Can we talk about that?” Their response will tell you a lot. If they get defensive or blame you, leave. If they listen and adjust, that’s a good sign.
4. You Feel Worse After Every Session
Therapy isn’t always easy. Sometimes you leave feeling raw or tired. That’s normal. Healing is hard work.
But over time, you should walk away feeling better than when you came in. Not perfect. Not fixed. But lighter. More hopeful. More like yourself.
If you consistently feel worse: more anxious, more hopeless, more confused, then that’s a red flag.
Ask yourself: “Am I better off now than before I started seeing this counselor?” If the answer keeps coming back no, something is off.
A good counselor helps you carry the weight, not add to it. They create a space where you can process hard things without being crushed by them.
What to do: Keep a simple journal after each session. Write down how you feel immediately after and then a few hours later. Look for patterns over several weeks. If the pattern is consistently negative, trust the data. It’s not you. It’s the fit. And you have permission to leave.
Don’t Be Afraid To Walk Away
You don’t have to stay with a counselor just because you waited months for the appointment. You don’t have to stay just because a friend recommended them or because they have good reviews online.
You get to choose what’s right for you.
I learned that even counselors have to try a few times before finding the right fit. It took Katie three tries to find a counselor she liked. That’s normal. That’s not failure. That’s wisdom.
If something feels off, trust that feeling. It’s not being picky. It’s not being difficult. It’s honoring your own healing journey.
You deserve a counselor who makes you feel safe, heard, and respected. Don’t settle for less.
If you want to keep learning alongside other small church leaders navigating these same questions, join us in the Small Church Ministry Facebook group. It’s where we talk about what we’re learning and what we’re still figuring out.
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